Ah, the holidays.

Time for holiday depression, family gatherings with relatives sniping at each other and blaming each other for their various failings and problems in life, saturation-level commercialism, massive crowds of cranky shoppers taking out their frustration on store clerks who are equally cranky, screaming kids all wailing out their need for a Sega Saturn to replace the Genesis, hordes of ill-behaved drunks on New Year’s Eve and a load of lousy college bowl games sponsored by a division of ConHugeCo Industries, Inc. The Nokia Sugar Bowl? Ugh.

But I’m a realist, and all that doesn’t really bother me. It’s just human nature, or at least capitalist nature, to make a buck off of the holiday and the decrepit college bowl system.

And hell, it only cheapens the holiday spirit if you let it do so. Even I, one crusty old bastard, can get into the holiday spirit, although you will NOT see me singing any damn Christmas carols.

I may not be a sappy sentimentalist, but I do hope for all the finer intangibles that we want during this season. Peace on Earth, goodwill toward men (and women, for that matter) and all the rest. There are only a few people on the planet who wouldn’t want that, and most of them appear to be in the Balkans.

But being a realist tempers the wish for such lofty goals. Peace on Earth, goodwill toward men? That stuff just ain’t gonna happen, kids.

But I have a few holiday/new year’s wishes and hopes that just might come true.

They aren’t especially lofty, but they do have some grains of hope and goodwill that the world may improve. And in the spirit of the season, I’ll share a few with you. Some are personal, some societal, but none too terribly selfish. Think of me as a black-and-gray clad Santa bringing you realistic and useful presents.

FOR ME: A Power Macintosh sometime in the next year. Please. Seriously. Descent just came out for the Mac, and it requires a PowerPC processor. In a year my old ‘040 just won’t cut it. Is this selfish? Purchasing it will actually help keep people employed, and help slow the march of the evil IBM clones across the face of the Earth, which only serves to increase the power of Microsoft. That alone constitutes a reason for me to buy.

FOR THE AMERICAN PUBLIC: A double dose of presidential race fun. First, a run by Newt Gingrich.

It’s not that I want to see the guy get elected; if as President he were to show as much tact, maturity and intelligence as he’s shown as Speaker of the House, the United States will go straight to hell. My prodigious gut tells me that Newt has a few skeletons in his closet that make Clinton’s look tame, and that his campaign would involve some creative financing and Nixonian dirty tricks. The personality cult that Newt has built will crash down hard if he runs, and I would not shed a tear. In fact, I would probably celebrate with a Guinness and buy a round for the house.

Second, I want to see a third major party with a surprise ticket —Colin Powell and Ross Perot would be a dynamite combination. Powell, the statesman, the leader and good cop, and Perot, the hatchet man, the bulldog and bad cop. Talk about an entertaining White House. Such a ticket would at least provide a great boost for the democratic process, even if it is a very remote possibility.

FOR FOOTBALL FANS: I grew up watching the NFL, and I absolutely love pro football.

But the league is in trouble due to franchise movement. The Browns’ planned move to Baltimore is a disgrace. This franchise has such history and influence, and such identity with Cleveland that it is unimaginable that it can move.

But Art Modell, the owner, apparently has no business acumen; anyone who loses money on pro sports in this country needs to go back to business school.

Now, I won’t question his decision to move. If he can get a better deal in Baltimore, then let him go. But change the team’s name and identity. Call them the Bombers or Ravens or some other name that the NFL trademarked for a Baltimore expansion team. Leave the Browns’ identity for a Cleveland expansion team, and let Modell skip off to Baltimore. So much for Santa’s not-so-lofty list. But truly, have a merry Christmas and fine 1996.

Kevin S. Kirby is a senior in journalism mass communication from Louisville, Ky. He has a B.A. in political science from the University of Wyoming.