Well, the time has come for me to grace these pages one last time. Yep, I’ve done the unthinkable; I’ve graduated. Well, it depends on some dumbass grade that should’ve been changed a long time ago, but hey, nobody really wants me to leave. Really, they don’t.

But first I must give you my last little question.

Don’t you hate it when you’re flipping through pictures of your friends, and you find a hairy butt staring ya in the face? Dontcha?

Okay, maybe this hasn’t happened to everybody, but sit back, close your eyes and paint that beautiful picture in your mind. Frightening, huh?

Now onto my column and my thoughts, which are quite scrambled right now. I’ve been thinking a lot about my time here. What I’ve accomplished, or more like what I haven’t, and what my last column will be about.

People have told me “Just be a complete asshole.” Well, I usually try to appease my audience, but the “asshole” part just doesn’t suit me. I think instead that I’ll be a partial, or incomplete, asshole. That sounds more fun, and it fits like a glove.

In fact, I was thinking about sucking up to all those gracious conformist greeks that were so kind as to exist for my pleasure. Psych!!!! Sorry, I couldn’t resist one last potshot.

So, I’m going to leave you with one more to do list, something in the holiday flavor and something that you can clip and save for your kids.

1. Go Christmas shopping and wear a name tag. Make one that says “Customer” and then your name. That way everybody will be friendly and on a first-name basis with you.

2. Wear women’s panties under your clothes. Why? Well, it’ll be an adventure, and you’ll be amazed at how soft and sexy you’ll feel all day long. You might even want to venture a little further and try out a tampon. Maybe.

3. Fart in class. It’s a little childish, but you know, when you’re with your friends, it sure is funny.

4. Get a tattoo. And please, not one of those gay (in no way am I bashing on that “alternative lifestyle”) little ankle or hip ones. If you’re gonna do it, then do it right. Don’t worry about what “people” will think; they’re not too bright. People, that is.

5. Get that political correctness crap out of your system. You’re always gonna offend somebody, so get in the habit of saying “chick” this and “chick” that. It works for me. Plus, you might make one hell of an offensive writer, or defensive, depending on where you write.

6. As Howard Stern would say, “Lesbians will kick-start your ratings.” So, hopefully there’s a lot more readers now that I’ve opened this can of oil.

7. Watch a porno. You’ll bond with your significant other, or if you don’t you’ll be amazed at how great the acting is. Really, it is.

8. Buy a bunch of new clothes and wear them on the first day of school. Oh, and wear a bunch of perfume. That way people can smell ya coming from a mile away. It seems to work for some chicks. I can smell ’em, but I can’t see ’em. Now is that really right?

9. Go to my graduation party at People’s Thursday. It starts around 7 p.m. and if I know ya, I’ll give ya all the free barley and hops you can shovel. It’ll be great, something to tell the kids: “I got drunk with the Guru.”

And it’ll be a great way to warm up for finals, with Paul Wright no less, my favorite Pied Piper of Consumption.

10. The last to do that I will leave you with is this: if ya have a bitch, then bitch. Everybody loves a bitcher, not a belly-itcher. Trust me on this: look what it’s done for my career. I’ve based a whole year’s worth of columns on nothing at all, and you all fell for it. Ohh, people love a drunken fool too. Experience talking here.

So, my time is gone and so is my money. Just you wait, my little pretties.

The greeks have their wish, no more Guru. You won’t catch me around here no more, so enjoy the peace.

The Legend has left the Daily. Check your valuables please.