Scott Lorenz Andresen
yadda yadda yadda Ave.
Ames, Iowa 50014
(515) 296-GURU

Conceived 18 August 1969 (weekend of Woodstock)
Born 19 May 1970, with the math I’m 25

Hey there MTV corporate deities. I’m prepared to let the world in on my life, at least the life you want to portray as me. I have a copy of the application for “The Real World” but I’d rather fit those questions into this little paper, so bare with me.

Just for filing purposes I have two sisters, one younger (19) and taller, and one older (27) and shorter. How’s that for a quinky-dink. I could include all those who will be related to me once I strike it rich or am a famous MTV personality, but I’ll spare you the dead trees.

You may wonder, “Why would someone like me want to join the ranks of Puck, Dominic and Norman?” Well, the answer is simple: I need to show the world the power of the Tattooed Guru. First Ames, then the world. See, The Guru is a semi-fictional bad-ass who enjoys writing about things that make people squeamish. And believe me you, the power is there. Not to be cocky, just a fair representation.

Currently I’m in my last semester at Iowa State University right smack-dab in the middle of Iowa.

Now you can’t beat that for excitement. I’ve completed four lovely, beer-infested years and that almighty piece of parchment will grant me a history degree with a political science minor. Yeehaw!

As for this business of asking what people would say are my worst traits I can only think of one answer; there are none. Well, maybe a few small ones but they’re not big enough to add up to one complete worst trait. My best traits are as follows: short, hairy as a squirrel, pierced, tattooed and above all, I’m willing to spout off about nothing in particular for hours at a time. Besides those I have the ability to confuse people and make them see what they want to see in me.

As for living in the same house with six other individuals, that would be a treat. Let me see, if my memory serves me correct you will pick a Hispanic, an African-American, a white redneck, a coupleof chicks and a rebel without a clue. As for where I fit in, as if you couldn’t tell. I’d be the redneck.

Hell, I’m from Iowa, how progressive could I be?

Living with these people, all from different walks of life would be fun. You see, I mingle with people in my spare time for fun. That’s not to say I mingle in the 2 a.m.-Tazzle’s sort of way, but I go out and have a good time at bars, restaurants, movies and concerts. So you could say that I’m a people person, heavy on the people.

A typical Friday evening consists of barley and hops mixed with a little hot dog or two. For example, last Saturday night I went to The Dean’s List and Tazzle’s for a Halloween costume party. I’m such a nutty guy that I wore tights that made me look about as skinny as a waif. Hell, I was even approached by a guy in the bathroom who admitted to thinking I was a girl. How scary is that? He was kinda cute, but not quite my style; he didn’t have a butt and you gotta know how I do like those glutes.

As you can tell I do drink alcohol, but then what right-minded college flunkie doesn’t. This way, I have an excuse when my grades turn out bad; I blame it on the brew. My first drinking excursion, if you will, happened 12 years ago when I was 14, for those non-math majors. I had two or three tall boys and a bourbon and I was out. Man, talk about a grounding I will never forget. As for being arrested I must admit that I have never been accosted by the men in blue, although I ran into one in Iowa City, after a nice outing, and I was lucky not to get a public urination ticket. But that’s another story for another time.

Another thing that may have crossed your mind is this picture. Well, who better to be in the company of than myself? At least that’s the persona that I have presented you.

It seems that my space is up. See ya.