After attending nine weeks of classes since the Labor Day break everyone on campus is looking forward to the week long Thanksgiving break.

No more pencils, no more books, no more treasurer’s office secretaries’ dirty looks.

So for those who are wondering how their week off is going to turn out, I have consulted the powers that be. The heavens have revealed to me the following horoscope:

Aries: After feasting on Thanksgiving Day watch the Detroit Lions play the Green Bay Packers and befuddle your relatives by acting like you are cheering for Iowa State. Whenever Barry Sanders gets the ball yell, “Go Troy!” Your impulsive nature may cause you to actually try the stuffing this year. Be thankful for Rolaids.

Taurus: Love comes your way. The birds will sing. The cows will moo. The turkeys, well, they’re dead, but do not let this get you down. On the Saturday after Thanksgiving you will be faced with an important decision. The stars suggest that you use protection. Be thankful you share a sign with the Tattooed Guru.

Gemini: You are a shrewd person who is capable of adapting to all circumstances. This is good because the stars and planets are inconclusive right now so you’re just going to have to wing it. Play it safe and have a typical Thanksgiving holiday. Fun is completely out of the question. Be thankful that you do not share the same fate as other signs.

Cancer: Kiss your boss’s butt so you can have some free time during the break. Tell him you will give him the extra muffler belt you have and change his car’s blinker fluid. If that fails tell him you ran out of underarm deodorant and you cannot afford to buy some more. On your time off go look for lost feldspar and pyrite rocks. Be thankful you are not the Tattooed Guru.

Leo: You are a proud and generous being. Be proud that you can drink more beer than your friends and be generous in your consumption of their beer. Watch for opportunities to get naked while outside on cold days. Be thankful that all that beer provided a nice fat gut to keep you warm out there.

Virgo: Say “please,” “thank you,” and “you’re welcome” for every time you need to go the bathroom. Dress to impress because impressions can be impressive upon people who are impressed, otherwise they are depressive upon depressed people who are pressed altogether. Your calculative nature will be wondering what to wear all during the break. Be thankful you are not a Hawkeye.

Libra: A dead bird will haunt your Ames residence if you decide to stay here. The planet Venus suggests you go home. When your mother asks about your grades tell her that ISU has changed that scale to include the entire alphabet and so D’s and F’s are now really good. When she gives you a strange look say, “It’s true.” The Jedi mind trick will work because The Force is with you, so be thankful for that.

Scorpio: Be the only one among your pals to not watch “Friends” on the night of Thanksgiving. Instead, volunteer to put Santa Claus and his reindeer on your parents’ roof. Your aggressive behavior will result in you sweating too much, thereby causing you to scratch your armpit, in turn causing you to have a bad grip on the nail, which causes you to hit your thumb, which causes you to punt Santa off the roof proving reindeer cannot fly. Be thankful for such a fun holiday.

Sagittarius: The travel bug hits you and you may not want to go home. A trip to some far away place sounds appealing. Let your philosophical mind wander until you find Jim Morrison, who is also a Sagittarius. Tell your sweetheart that you want to love her two times today. Look for weird scenes inside the gold mine. Eat more chicken than any man has ever seen. Your brain will be squirming like a toad. Be thankful that this is the end, beautiful friend.

Capricorn: During the Macy’s parade you will feel an urge to hit the television with a sledgehammer in an attempt to pop the Bullwinkle balloon. Be sure to apologize for your behavior. After that fails you wonder that if people normally breathed helium would our voices sound deeper when we inhaled oxygen. Be thankful you do not know Marvin Pomerantz personally.

Aquarius: You belong to Uranus and your anus belongs to you, but your anus doesn’t belong to Uranus. So don’t spend too much time on the toilet after stuffing yourself with your grandma’s home cooking because other people might have to use the restroom. When you are finished you will definitely be thankful.

Pisces: Over the break you will be in a dreamy existence due to your heightened elation of not having to attend school. The stars have shown you to be the center of attention. Be sure to smile when your grandma pinches your cheek and when your aunt smooches you. On your ride back to Ames see if you can outrun the Iowa State Patrol. Nothing good will happen to you now or ever unless you believe in horoscopes. Be thankful for warning tickets.

Tim Frerking is a junior in journalism mass communication from Pomeroy.