As my time winds down at this ungrateful institution, I’m reminded of days of yore. Hence, my wonderful highschool graduation picture taken 7 1/2 years ago. Since graduation is three weeks away, and I am graduating, I wonder, “What have I learned here?”

But first, Dontcha hate it when you’re walking through sloppy dirty snow and it kicks up on the back of your pants? Dontcha? Well I do, and it pisses me off.

Anyhoo, I was looking through my scrapbook, which my mom made for me, and I came upon this photo, the one you’re all laughing at. I was 18, young and about to embark on the worst three years of my life, so to speak. Sure, I had a perm; I was “cool;” and all the chicks wanted me for my hair, but that’s besides the point. Was I aware that the next 7 1/2 years of my life would be filled with the strangest, and moistest, experiences of my life? I think not.

I wasn’t worried about getting a job. I wasn’t worried about how I was going pay off my 25 Visa’s and still have money leftover for hefty bar covers. Hell, I didn’t even drink. I can’t even think what I was worried about, it all seems so trivial compared to what I’m worried about now. Which, when I think about it, is trivial, not to mention asinine. (I love that word.)

So, the past 7 1/2 years, 4 1/2 here, have been trivial and mind numbing. What better memories to have of college?

As the first Andresen to graduate from college, I know I’ll have to relate my experiences to my family, and what will I tell them? That the most beer I’ve ever drank in a night, that I remember, was six pitchers of IceHouse. If I don’t eat before I go out on the town I end up smelling ass over the porcelain god. I mean really, do my relatives want to hear these stories?

As for my classes, how many of us remember our first three semesters, how many remember what classes you had last semester? Once you really put some thought into it, you’ll realize that the concerts and parties stand out more than the “reason” you’re here. Pretty scary and pathetic isn’t it? Hell, I have trouble remembering how many semesters I’ve been here, but I sure can tell ya’ some f—ked-up stories. So exactly what have I learned at this institution that promotes corporate sponsorship.

I’ve learned that the greeks are awfully sensitive to any sort of criticism that may be printed in certain columns.

I’ve learned that the more you drink the higher your tolerance level is.

I’ve learned that DPS employees really are nice people just doing their jobs. Sure they are, and I’m really just a woman with penis envy.

I’ve learned that your grades don’t mean a damn thing, and you don’t even get a cool certificate for making the Dean’s List, just a letter congratulating you. What kind of gyp is that?

But the main thing I’ve learned is that people really have no clue about what the hell they’re talking about. Everybody except me because dammit, I’m omniscient. (Look it up.)

Now stifle your tears cause I still have two columns left. See ya’ on the 7th at my party. Ohh, The bad-ass has left the paper.