In my ongoing attempt to baptize the world in Guruness, I shall continue (for the last time) to apply for MTV’s “The Real World.” These are just a few excerpts of the questions that are asked in the application. Read on and enjoy.

Do you use street drugs? Nope, I only go for the field drugs. What the hell kind of question is that? It’s like asking, “Do you masturbate?” It’s a double-edged sword. If you say yes, people look at you like you’re a dirty pig and if you say no, people know you’re lying.

Describe your fantasy date. Well, it’s preferably with a woman, but if one of them’s not available, I’ll do anything once. Once. Anyhoo, my fantasy date. Hmmm. My date and I are naked lying in the middle of a field with a picnic basket and a pond beside us. That’s the basis, and you can lie in bed and think about the rest.

What are your favorite musical groups/artists? Kiss. They’re the best and the rest can kiss their proverbial butts. What other band was cool enough to wear make-up and seven-inch shoes? None. “Cold Gin” is all I have to say.

What are your political beliefs? I believe that politics would be way cooler if we didn’t have people like Bob Dole and Newt Gingrich trying to run our country. The man, Jesse Jackson, deserves the chance to prove what I’ve always believed, liberalism is where it’s at.

Do you believe in God? Do you practice religion? Whoa. I would have to say no to the above two. No religion, no practice, no way, no how.

Who have been your role models? Why? Well, I would have to say Kiss, you either love ’em or hate ’em, either way you know ’em. There’s my mom and then there’s Evel Knievel. He was way cool when it came to stunts, he’d try anything once, and I think my mom resents his ass to this day. I have so many scars for doing “stupid” things. Too many to list here. That’s just two of my role models that are famous.

What is your greatest fear (and why)? One fear. Waking up some morning and having a gazillion baby spiders crawl out of my forearm because some momma spider laid her eggs in my arm. That’s the only one.

What are your personal goals? To get a complete back tattoo and then go from there. Hell, what are goals, just some bullshit reasons to tell people why you’re in college. No goals are good goals.

What bothers you the most about other people? Ha! Everything. When people come up to me and tell me I’m wrong. What are they thinking about? I’m always right. I wouldn’t print it if I didn’t believe it, and they’re not going to change my mind. Dammit.

Are you seeing, or have you ever seen a therapist of psychologist? Ummm, no. Give me a break, it’s your craziness, keep it.

That’s my beliefs, so I’ll see ya’ on the tube next year.

Hell, it’s a little hypocritical of me to apply, since I’ve ripped on the show, but then ya gotta experience it before ya give it shit.

Sneak preview: Read me next week when I talk a little about GSB and its weekly meeting. It should be fun.