Tattooed Guru

by Scott Andresen

Daily Currents Columnist

Good morning kids. How’s your “what the hell is up with this weather,” Wednesday? Mine’s about as perky as, well Perkins.

Faked you out, huh? Thought I was going for the Dontcha thing, didn’t ya’? Dontcha hate that? Since I’m going with the old motif, let’s continue on with the Tattooed topic of the day: student loans. Ohh, yeah, that miracle money we get each semester to pay off our Visa bills. (Sorry to all those that were expecting something on tattooes, my mind has weaved its wonderful web since that piece on STV9 yesterday.)

First off, why would any government agency give a college student free money, at the time, and then expect you to pay it off when you graduate? That baffles the hell out of me. Here’s the problem.

You borrow about $4,000 your first year, no problem. The money goes for important things like beer, a new stereo or even something as asinine as books. Then the summer comes, you get a job and wait for fall.

Fall arrives, you borrow about the same amount of money, and everything’s cool. This time the cash goes for the Visa card you got your freshman year. Which is pretty smart thinking, since it’s basically free money paying off free money. Total: about $8,000.

Summer sets in, same thing, except you gotta pay bills ’cause your not living at home. More money that you don’t have, and you go in debt. Fall comes around; more free money and by the end of the year you’re in debt a total of $14,000. No problem, by this time you’re thinking a good job will pay $40,000 a year and you’ll have the loan paid off in no time.

Then reality hits: You’re a senior. Life is starting to suck because the free money is running out and so is time. Ohh yes, that $40,000 a year job that looked so good last year is eluding you a a major way, your resume is bare because you spent all of your time drinking and puking. Which wouldn’t be a problem if you were going into the bar biz, but you weren’t planning on it. Now, it’s looking pretty lucrative.

So, now you’re stuck with about $20,000 in loan money, still looking for a job, with your corporate-sponsored ISU degree, and you get a letter in the mail.

They have found you. Those pesky little bastards from the loan agency have weaseled their way into your life after you thought everything would be fine and dandy, or at least candy. The letter states you have 58 payments of $58 for the first four years than 49 payments of $60 for the next three years and then one payment of $64 in the year 2004. What the hell.

If they only knew what that money really went for. Not housing, not education, but beer and furniture and stereos and keg fridges. Not a dime went toward higher learning, so my plan is this:

Instead of paying them back in cash, pay them back in gifts. First four years, send a case of beer a month, the next four years, a case of beer and a bottle of vodka a month and for the final payment, a bottle of Dom Perignon. Now that’s a good payback.

So, let’s start stock-piling that beer money and start buying off the government. If barley and hops doesn’t work, there’s always hookers.

That’s it, and I’m all that and a bottle of Ivory soap. Ohh, come again, same Tattooed time, same Tattooed place.