Good morning kids. Oops, I mean: Don’t you hate it when you’re talking to someone and they accidentally spit on you? Dontcha?

Today’s Guru gripe, or more like Guru Guidance, is about GSB. Yes, I’m finally getting around to giving Dan Magnan and company some well thought out advice. Since the bastards beat me in the election last year, I thought I’d pull a Ross Perot (except I’m not as short, and I don’t talk too funny) and give ’em some pointers.

You may wonder, what gives the Guru the audacity (look it up) to supply these political aspirants with some tips? Well it’s a little known fact but, I’m omniscient. You got it, I can have my cake and eat it too, or in other words, have my Little Debbie and eat her too.

Now I will guide the saps of GSB through the bills they should introduce for the benefit of the student body. Wanna read it, here it goes.

The first bill GSB should introduce has to do with the athletic department — yes, them again. Every time the athletic department sponsors something for the greek system, it has to sponsor something for the other 85 percent of the university, be it a dorm or off-campus streets or something. Just sponsor it. Ohh, the bill should be called the Greekgate-orgasmic bill. Don’t ask me, it just works.

Now that the Gubment of one Student’s Body has reciprocated the wrongs created by the powers that be at this fine institution of conformity, it should ban those old men from passing out Bibles on campus. Ohh, I know it’s a free campus and all, but come on, do we, as the students, really need any more books to carry on our way to class? Especially one as heavy as the holy book of tales. Now that I have officially offended every person who considers themselves a Christian, I have one question: What makes you a Christian? Anyway, the bill should be called the Anti-Polyester Bible bill.

With the campus being free of crusty old men, let’s now attempt to eliminate the use of MTV by everybody. Hell, let’s do one better, let’s take over the world. with GSB’s power and money and my mind, we can be invincible. I’m talking power that only money can buy, which is the only power that seems to matter to this university, since we have a trillion corporate sponsors.

You know, if you think about it, the $1,126,319.54 that GSB gave to the various clubs and organizations could be put to better use by me. Yes, me. I need all the money I can get to take over this university and right the wrongs that the fools have done.

With that kind of cash, I could put cable in everyone’s dorm room, sans MTV. I could pay off my bills (little perk), and I could even pay off the school and say I’m some kind of corporate sponsor. They don’t tell you, but your education is being financed by Coca-Cola and Pioneer Seeds. Yes, it’s true, your diploma will have a little emblem from those two “corporate” sponsors. Without them, your little piece of parchment is worthless. Hell, it might be worthless anyway.

Although I wouldn’t be a “corporate” sponsor, I’d be a guy giving money to the university so I could tell them what to do, mainly go to hell. The Guru payoff bill.

What a plan. Now that GSB knows it can count on me, they don’t have to worry about anything else. I’m the man, I’m the man, I’m so right, I should be in detention.

Just a little note for those people who care. I’ll be making an appearance on that way-early show “Wake Up ISU” tomorrow morn, that is if I’m not too hung-over. I’m done, kinda’ like a burnt bacon on a white-breaded bun. Whatever!