So we lost again. So what! There was a glimmer of hope through much of the game. You know, as well as I do, why the Hawks won. They cheated! That’s right, I said it again.

Tell me that it wasn’t obvious that Sedrick Shaw was wearing iron shoulder pads. We all saw the steel spikes on his shoes. We witnessed the gun he had in his pants … get your mind out of the gutter!

Why don’t we have him try on the black gloves. I bet they fit! I don’t know for sure, but I thought I saw Sedrick pull into the stadium in a white Bronco.

They only honest players on the entire Iowa squad were their incredible place kickers! A little work needs to be done there, boys.

I could go on all day about the corruption that is embedded in Hawkeye football, but instead I’ll take pride in the fact that Iowa State football is clean of all evil spirits.

Our next game is against UNLV. Yes, it’s not a rumor, UNLV does have a football team.

Let’s think about this for a moment. The University of Nevada Las Vegas. The gambling capital of the world! Ohh Christ! Here we go again. I can already sense the evil.

By the way, did anyone notice the extra security around the goal post? They were taunting us! But I understand why we didn’t take ’em down. The mood just wasn’t right.

But I have a new plan. I’ve thought about this for awhile, and I think it’s foolproof.

First, we all shave our heads. Hey, it’ll grow back. Second, we all paint bloodshot eyeballs on our scalp. Third we paint the rest of our faces white. And finally, every fan has to dress head to toe in in solid black. This will help us all blend in. I’ll explain later.

If we win, which I KNOW WE WILL, we take the goal post down in a victory celebration. We all look stupid, but it’s still cool.

But if we lose. We hop on the field and charge head-first at the security surrounding the goal post.

Now think about this for a second and put yourself in their shoes. You’re a cop that is assigned to protect a goal post. You look ahead and see a herd of bloodshot eyeballs stampeding your way.

I bet you would move, and I know they would too. I’m also

pretty sure that the Runnin’ Rebs will clear their ass off the field in a direct fashion. And I ask you, is this beautiful plan or what?

Oh, and to the ISU players, don’t be frightened by the eyes. We’re all on your side, OK. No harm will be done to you, I promise.

Which brings me to my prediction. Here we go. Cyclones 46, UNLV 17. Hooo ahhhh! The big dog is ready to eat, and all the corruption in the world can’t hold back his appetite.

The ‘Clones are ready to get back on the winning track, and it all begins this Saturday.

Nobody can stop the Todd Doxzon and Troy Davis-driven Cyclones with the power of 20,000 screaming eyeballs behind them. Rock and Roll, baby!

I’ll see you all there. Get ready, get loaded and get crazy. Be that extra eye.

And for anyone interested, I got a great deal on that horse!

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Chad Calek is a sophomore in journalism from Persia, IA. He is the assistant sports editor of the Daily.