Don’t you hate it when you’re taking a shower and you have to bend over for the soap? Dontcha?

Well, it’s that time of year again. You all know what I’m talking about, the Hawkeyes are coming to Ames. The Guru gripe, or more of a dissertation, of the week is proper etiquette during the Iowa State-Iowa game.

Last year, I made the trip down to Iowa City and got pretty loopy, if my memory serves me correctly; we got spanked, but I had a good time. Well, the showdown is in Ames this year, and I’m prepared to tell you what to do to have a good time.

First, get liquored up. Yes, I’m telling you

to get inebriated, but before you drink please eat — don’t ask questions just do it.

Anyhoo, a little flask and some dogs should suit you just fine during this annual ‘Clonefest. Except this year will be different: we will win. Ohh, yes, we will. Heed my words. And by some strange twist of fate we don’t, let’s still tear down the goal posts.

Two, go to the game. You’re an ISU student and damn it, if you’re gonna put this institution on your resume, you gotta support your team.

The team is 1-1 for the first time in God knows how long, actually the last time was Sept. 11, 1993. Weird huh?

Three, pelt the field with ears of corn. Why? Because this is Iowa. The oranges two weeks ago were a nice touch, but

if we beat Iowa there’s no Orange Bowl.

This should be the Corn Bowl. Minnesota and Iowa have the Floyd of Rosedale. I think we should have a bronze corn for whoever wins the game. So therefore, corn is more fitting, don’t you think? My proposal is this:

Bring an ear of corn (or two) and everytime Tim Dwight runs by you, pelt him. Not to harm,but just enough to let him know where’s he’s at.

Four, drink some more. Before the game, at the now-famous Wallaby’s stand, during the game, from your flask and after the game — the bars. If there’s a line, hell, riot. We will have won and that’s all the reason one should need to riot. Let’s call it a pre-Veishea warm-up.

Five, wear some obnoxious red and yellow clothes. If you’re feeling spry, and I know you are, go down to Ridiculous Rags or Goodwill and pick yourself up a red and yellow tux. What a sight you will behold. Going out in style is where it’s at.

Six, drink after the game. Stand outside the bars forever and make fun of the yellow-and-black fans. Actually, they’ll be making fun of you for standing outside the bars. But, if you really want to be cool and stand in the rain,

or drizzle, which it inevitably will be, then by all means just do it. No fear, baby.

Seven, roam the streets naked. Yes, you heard me, nude with nothing on but your first-win-in-12-years-suit. It’d be like some kind

of nude beach without the water or sand in places you didn’t think existed. A lot of white, flat-butted people running around in all their glory.

And last but not least, have fun no matter what. Don’t act all cool and manly because you’re feeling inadequate with your equipment. Just drink, be drunk and throw some corn. Trust me, it’s for the best.

So, until next time, may all of your wishes turn out better than pee flushed down a toilet.

I’m a senior in ‘Clone etiquette from Hawkeye country. I’m a serious journalist who loves attention.