Don’t you hate when you’re almost asleep and you have to take a piss? Dontcha?

Today’s Guru gripe (or actually more like Tim Davis’ and my old Tattooed topic) of the day is an interesting one, at least to me.

With the recent story about four boys, umm, girls who were later discovered to be boys, I thought this would be the perfect opportunity to explore life through the eyes of a woman as a man. Does that make sense?

Here’s the story, in short. Three boys-ages 10, 12, 14 and 17 were raised as girls in India, but were later discovered to have a penis inside (ouch) and had an operation to become what they in fact were, boys.

Now you know. So, let’s get down to bizznezz.

If I had grown up a woman but later discovered I was a man, I would have a huge advantage over other men.

First, I would have taken showers with girls my whole life. So right there I would know what went where, and how. Imagine getting all excited, but no wood showed up. How weird would that be? You could get all google-eyed and stare and get a warm sensation and have no idea why.

Hell, you’d probably think you’re a lesbian, which isn’t all that bad, it seems men love it. But hey, what’s wrong with that, it’s in all the pornos.

Second, the conversations that go on in the girls locker room. What an advantage, finding out all the goods on what women like and how often. And the answer to that question that has plagued men since the beginning of time. Does size really matter?

But, here’s the whammy. Thinking that it’s that time of the month. You know, the friend that we all wait for. You wouldn’t actually be bleeding, just experimenting. So when the time came, you’d be an expert. What a drawback, putting a plug up the bung. Who knows, maybe a little pleasure.

And third, the insight that every man would love to know, being a woman without the birthing experience. If you didn’t respect women then, there’s no hope for you. You’d deal with all the prejudice, the usual “ohh, don’t you worry your pretty little head about it,” and crap like that.

Experiencing life as a woman would be a rewarding experience for all of those male pigs who hit on all the freshmen women (watch out). I have no pity for those leather backpack babes who get hit on. What’s up with those damn things? I heard a rumor that it has something to do with a change of clothes for shackin’. True?

The lines, ohh the pick-up lines. “Hi there, what’s your major? Ohh, I was that for a semester, then I switched. Where are you from? Cool. So, what brings you here? Me.” That’s a typical one.

Or there’s the more crude. “Hey babe, you’re looking pretty hot, want me to cool you off with my tongue?”

These little ditties actually work, don’t ask me why. But if a man grew up a woman and then became a man, I would stake my reputation on the fact that that man would not hit on a woman. Too much respect.

So, you see. If I, or anyone else, thought at one time that I was a woman for any reason, then I would be at a major advantage. Especially in the area of erotica. All ya gotta do is listen.

P.S. This bartender thing is still in the works, so look for me at your favorite bar serving up some delicious brewhaha.

That’s my time and it’s gone as fast as warm pee running down my leg.

I’m a senior in history and the head man here at the Currents section. Scott Anderson does not exist.