Susan Smith is guilty and O.J. is in Celebrity Court. Auntie Em, Auntie Em will he ever get out? Who cares? I stopped paying attention before the fiasco started.

In my opinion, and the rest of the world probably agrees, Americans are sue happy. This may be due to the media coverage of court cases, the TV shows and movies. I don’t know. I do know the media is an extremely powerful entity. Some even pose it is a fourth branch of the American government.

Anyway, what I’m really interested in is the Tale of Mad Duck and other kooky cases in our noble land. Let’s look at a few of the stranger experiences in U.S. law.

The first and probably most ridiculous case on the docket concerns Robert Lee Brock, an inmate at the Indian Creek Correctional Center in Chesapeake, Virginia. This man sued himself for getting drunk and violating his own civil rights. Brock has no money to pay himself, so he wants the state to pay him $5 million. Brock is serving 23 years for breaking and entering, and grand larceny. Last month, he wrote in a hand-filed lawsuit, “I partook of alcoholic beverages in 1993. As a result, I caused myself to violate my religious beliefs…For violating my religious beliefs, I want to pay myself $5 million, but I ask the state to pay it since I can’t work and am a ward of the state.” Judge Rebecca Smith dismissed the lawsuit as frivolous. Come on Rebecca, let’s do a plea bargain!

I recently interviewed a lawyer (who asked to remain anonymous), asking his opinion on the Brock lawsuit. “No lawyer would take it. The case has no merit,” he responded. When our mysterious lawman was asked about the strangest case that had ever come to him, he responded: “Well, once a man came to me and said he wanted to change his name to Mad Duck. I don’t know if he was competent, because he was under a guardianship, and eventually the guardian talked him out of it.” Folks, section 663.552 of The Iowa Code states that a person qualifies to be under a guardianship if “by reason of mental, physical, or other incapacity [the person] is unable to make or carry out important discussions concerning the proposed ward’s person or affairs…” Too zany.

Remember the Larry Milton case? In December 1991, Milton (who is black) got the crap kicked out of him by a Des Moines police officer. To be You-Know-What Correct, and to stay out of trouble, the jury found that the officer used excessive force against Milton. What did Milton get for winning the case you ask? One dollar. Milton gets whacked in the head a few times too many and wins $1? Is this justice? I admit not knowing all the facts of the case, but to bring in a little reality, Milton did admit to smoking crack and consuming alcohol before the incident. That kind of throws a monkey wrench at Lady Justice too, I suppose.

What do all these cases say about America? From the brief experiences I’ve had with law, my best advice is to do no wrong, or just don’t get caught. Who knows, maybe the next time that cute little neighbor girl falls down your steps, she won’t look so cute next to her parents in court as they sue you for $1 million.

Andy Moore is an ISU alum in English and political science from Davenport. He is currently enrolled in summer session.