Lately, I have been pondering the insights of the Tattooed Guru on the topic of love and relationships. I have decided that it is necessary to give a woman’s perspective on this subject that everyone wants to know so much about but ends up knowing so little.

First of all, it is mandatory to inform you men out there about some general principles of the nature of women. First and foremost, all women are crazy. It’s not our faults, it’s our dual nature of seductress/care giver, manipulator/mother. We are always in a state of chaos and you are our victims.

Here are some general rules (and remember, you can never win): We don’t want you to pay too much attention to us because it makes you look like wimps. However, if you don’t pay enough attention to us, we’ll go nuts trying to get you to. We want you to appreciate our minds and personalities, but if you don’t tell us we’re goddesses at least once a week, forget having fun. There must be public displays of affection, but too much and we’ll think you’re trying to show ownership. We can smack you, but you can’t smack us. We can be mean, but if you are we’ll cry and make your lives miserable.

When a woman cries, ask her if she wants you to stay. She’ll lie and say no. So stay, but don’t talk. Be a warm body to snuggle up against and leave your persona at the door.

First few dates: If you like her, know that you risk being too forward as well as not being forward enough. So ask her if you can kiss her. She’ll either be fooled by the sweet romance of it or she’ll say no or not yet. If you do kiss her, you risk being too passionate and frightening as well as too sweet and wimpy. So give her the reigns. Because women call the shots. Always. But if you are a hopeful young lad seeking mutuality, take turns opening doors, making dinner, buying sweet stuff. With more stable women, this will work wonders.

When the months have flown by and all your friends are annoyed with you and you’ve endured their ridicule, the woman will try to break you down with serious talk of the future. She knows you have no concept beyond the next four minutes and she loves to see you squirm. So be cool and humor her because more than likely she’ll tire of you about the same time you do of her although she’ll cry, plead and refuse to believe or admit it. Just say the words back and she’ll always remember you as a great guy and form her standards around the idolized image of you.

If you’re as in love with a woman as she is you and it isn’t about to go away, sit back and enjoy the love and caring she’ll give you at a drop of a hat and don’t let your manhood feel threatened by the great lengths you’ll go to for her. Love is rare and beautiful and shouldn’t be taken for granted.

Knowing the differences between men and women, it’s amazing they get together at all. Maybe that’s the beauty of it – the most challenging things in life are the most satisfying. “Love don’t come easy.” So when that arrow doth pierce thy heart, dear men, follow it, live, love and learn.

Erika Stevenson is a senior in English from Marshalltown.