SCOTT ANDRESEN

Iowa State Daily

Today is the start of a new era in the Guru series. It’s time to move on to a new greeting for all of my faithful and playful little kiddies. No more “Good morning, etc., etc.,” it’s time for a change, so until I come up with a brilliant, catchy phrase, you’ll be stuck reading my rambling and babbling forever.

Until that revelation comes, it’s onto the Tattooed topic of the week (I’m thinking about changing that, too). Anyhoo, I’ll enlighten all those pathetic weenies (i.e., me) that are in relationships about the proper times to do the things that you do with your friends in front of your significant other and when to take off your mask and reveal the real you.

This dissertation is strictly from the male point of view, so bear with me.

The fateful first date. By all means do not blow your nose at the dinner table. Save that for the fourth month or so. If you’re home and baking that wonderful meal that you’re only preparing to impress her and will never do it again, but you’ll make her think you’re the world’s greatest cook and you love it, please, please, don’t embarrass yourself by cooking meat if she’s a vegetarian. Find out these little things and if you don’t like it, dump her while you still can before it stings.

Skipping to the first month, it’s time to break down that barrier that you’ve built to protect yourself. It’s much easier to show your faults at this early stage; if she doesn’t like them, then you’ll be back on the hunting block, searching for that chick-a-dee of your dreams.

It’s time to show your little hussy that you’re not as cool as you may seem. You’re a jealous, obsessive, perverted fool with psychotic tendencies that she will only find out about after she dumps your pitiful ass. This brings about a rather ambiguous and odd question: Why do women date complete dorks and then bitch when the relationship ends? Why didn’t they see the freak within when they were dating? If only they held the insight and intuition that they proclaim as truth. Women’s intuition, HA!

After you’ve shown all of your stupid little idiosynchrasies, it’s time to get down to business. Can you fart in her presence? That’s the $7,000 question that you need to find out. If you can’t, then your life will be hell. Farting is fun, and you need a partner in life to enjoy your flatulence.

Just to keep your relationship full of spice, another question must be asked: Can you watch pornos together, well, not just watch and make fun of the fake breasts and unhumanly long libidos, but can you really enjoy them? I don’t know how many men watch pornos in the company of masculine figures; it’s much, much better to watch in mixed company. That way, if one thing leads to another, you can reenact those fantastic scenes of sexual oddity, not just go into the bathroom and take an extra long break to relieve the strain in your jeans.

Now with perhaps the two most important questions asked, and hopefully answered, we can go on and explore the world of relationships. You know that you’ve made it in the world of LOVE when you finish each others’ sentences and know the next move. The downfall is when you sound too much like one person, i.e., “Mad About You.” (Don’t ask me to expound).

The rough and tumble, if you like that way, world of sexual monogamy can be troubling. When do you ask if you can see the owl in the tree, the haunted forest of fun or the happy trail to heaven? Am I being specific enough, or are these metaphors killing ya? In other words, when do we get to consummate this relationship and get wet?

If you have to ask, then this isn’t the right woman for you. Natural is the way to go, and if the answer’s NO, well, then it’s NO.

New ending too, not quite sure what it is, just hang with me while I try out some new one. Feedback is always available and appreciated. See ya, not unless you see me first.