Jacob Stai, a gradute and research student in agronomy

(he/him/his)

Well, it depends, really. How far back do you want to go? First time I realized I was something other than straight, first time I told someone something, first time I admitted the full truth to myself that I was gay (in that order). In my case, none of my options are that far back, though.

It was fall of 2016 and I’d just graduated from my undergraduate studies that spring. I was here in Ames as a grad student living on my own for the first time, and I wanted to start dating. There was a date I’d set up all the way in the Twin Cities. My grandparents lived up there, so I figured I’d go up and visit them on a Friday night, have my date Saturday and be back home Saturday night. Their son, my uncle, is gay, so I knew they’d be OK with it, but I didn’t want my parents to hear I was gay from my grandparents.

Now, you gotta understand, my family *doesn’t* talk about this stuff. My dad’s version of “the talk” (the one about sex) was so awkwardly G-rated I can repeat the whole thing right now: “So… … so, you’ve had health class, by now, right? … … … …so, you *know* right? … … … …good.”

My mom, she’s more intuitive about these things. At undergrad, I had a job as a media tech, and one of the shifts was working in the media closet checking equipment in and out — cameras, laptops. So we made all the jokes about working in the closet. And one point, my mother, she joked with me on that, but she made *such* a point of it. “So, you’re in the closet, right?” “Haha, yeah.” “…did you hear me? I said you’re *in the closet*???” “…yep, I heard you, Mom, hahaha.” Well, that was enough for me. My mom must know, right? I mean, let’s be honest, that’s about the most I’m ever gonna get from my family on the topic of sex.

Yeah, well. I called home to come out, and it’s my mom that picked up, and I said “So, I was calling to tell you, and you might already know this, but I’m gay,” and I precede to launch into the full explanation of how I had a date and was gonna visit Grandma, and that’s when she asks “…so wait, you’re gay?” Whoo boy. She definitely didn’t know. Can’t say I blame her. I’m not exactly obvious. But whoo. If I would’ve known she didn’t know, I might’ve not overwhelmed her with the whole story all at once. Anyway, we talked for an hour and then she told me I had to call Dad when he got home to tell him myself, which I did. And he said very little, thanked me for telling him and moved on to ask about how my research was going. And then Mom and I talked for another hour the next day because she was going through all kinds of emotions about why I didn’t tell her sooner and how she’d acted about gay things (she was fine, she’s a wonderful person).

Anyway, lesson is, don’t assume your parents know. They might. But if you’re not obvious, they also very much might not. No matter how awkward they are about jokes about being in the closet.

These coming out stories were put together by the diversity news editor, Madison Mason. If you or someone you know would like to submit your coming out story, then reach out to Madison Mason at [email protected] or submit your story here.