When the news first broke out that something was happening in China, I was in my car commuting to school. I have a 50-minute commute, so it helps me stay wide awake listening to NPR radio, especially during that early morning commute. I was listening, but not terribly worried about the impact it would have on the U.S. In fact, at the time, I didn’t expect it to become what it is today: a pandemic. 

This happened right around spring break and at the time, I was having a hard time keeping up with all my classes and learning so much at such a fast pace. While I always welcome a good challenge, I came to realize it was going to be a hard semester for me. I wasn’t afraid I would fail the classes but I was afraid of getting grades low enough to impact my overall GPA. And in my head, that thought just tormented me.

As a nontraditional student, being in school in its traditional sense (attending classes onsite, lots of homework and late evening meetings and exams) is not suited to my life. The first time I was in college, circa 2008, I had the mentality of an average 18-year-old. There were some major issues in my life, but I thought if I did well in school, things would work out. I now find myself back on the same boat of 2008, but I am 12 years older (and hopefully wiser) and married. My life no longer revolves about the same set of activities. I now think about bills and a mortgage, work and finding time to spend with my partner and family then time to spend with his family. Of course, I’m back in school by choice. I love learning so much I wouldn’t have it any other way. I thought I could handle the rigor an engineering curriculum entailed. I thought I would be able to make it all fit together neatly. I was wrong.

In the last year and a half I’ve been in school, it was becoming incredibly clear that the way I’d built up part of my identity wasn’t working out. I’ve always been someone who prided themselves in the academic world because it was something I understood. I knew the game. It was my sport. The notion that I would not be able to achieve the grades I was looking for this past spring semester was overwhelming me. I kept having all this negative talk in my head, the kind that just doesn’t stop but it always ends with the feeling that maybe I’m just not enough; that maybe I need to quit because I will never make it as an engineer; that maybe this just isn’t for me. To say I was struggling during this time is an understatement.

And then it happened. We went into break and I knew we wouldn’t come back. I felt such a relief when it became official. My grades improved in both my hardest classes. I would work through the worksheets at my own pace, which was slower than that of school recitation pace. I did so good on my second physics exam, I almost cried. Then sometime after that, my thoughts changed. I’m not sure what happened, but something became really clear. My grades did not and do not dictate who I am.

Yes, it’s nice to see high grades on my transcript each semester. And yes, it feels nice to know you have a certain GPA, but you know what else is nice? Spending time with people I love and love me. It’s nice relaxing at dinner time without worrying about homework 24/7; it’s nice to play with my cat, to make the time to walk out in nature even if it’s just ten minutes, sleeping in an extra hour and reading a good book just because. Now, going to school does not stop me from doing any of these things, but time is limited. I have to pick and choose what to do with my time and sometimes, doing that extra homework for extra credit I don’t really need is not worth it.

It took me a long time before I realized that even though school grades are important, they are not the most important. 

My GPA is not my identity. My GPA is not who I am. 

To be honest, I’m tired of trying to be the perfect student. I am tired of focusing so hard on something so trivial in the grand scheme of things. I’m not saying don’t aim to do great work or that we shouldn’t strive for top scores, but I am saying there is more to education than a grade. There’s got to be a balance of life. While I was so caught up in my GPA, I was missing things. 

I wasn’t enjoying the process. 

It was during this pandemic that I was finally able to once again see what it’s like to enjoy learning. To sit down with my mind eager enough to learn versus thinking, “OK, what’s after this?”

I no longer have the 50-minute commute. My summer classes are also online but I still tune into NPR news to see what’s happening out in the world. Yes, this pandemic has affected the entire world in ways we have yet to comprehend. It has exposed us in ways we didn’t want to be exposed. There has been much loss and grief. There has also been growth and opportunity.

If you have been struggling with something, now may be the best time to work on it. After all, “the best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago, the second best time is now” even if now happens to be during a pandemic.

Zoami Calles-Rios Sosa, junior in civil engineering.