1. Work out

Who needs good grades when you have the body of a god? Smoke shows don’t need employment related to their field of education. Hop on Instagram and make some money as a human Adonis. Frankly you could stand to lose weight too.

2. Call your grandma

She misses you. Give her a call. Yeah, she speaks a completely different language, and you don’t understand a word that she says, but you should still call her even though long distance calls to Pakistan are expensive.

3. Clean your apartment

Your apartment is filthy. You’re living like an animal you bum. Grab a carpet cleaner while you’re at it. You need that security deposit back.

4. Rearrange your furniture

An extension of the last one. Since your apartment is clean, might as well change the entire setup to make you “more productive” when you’re actually just trying to find the most optimal spot to watch TV without being uncomfortable.

5. Clear your watch list

Watch everything. Even the things people keep telling you “You absolutely have to watch” that sound horrible, but they keep pleading that they’re just really bad at explaining it and you should take their word for it.

6. Message your ex

You still think about her. What’s the worst that can happen? She blocks you? Good.

7. Finish your application to one of the many jobs you were told to apply for

Come on. You said four different times that you were going to finish them, but you keep making the excuse that “cover letters intimidate me and I have multiple job offers already. Why do I need to apply for more things?” You should do it anyway because you never know. One of these could be better than the other.

8. Finish your grad school applications

Those are due Dec 15. You need to finish those or you won’t get in. Get over the intense anxiety that comes over you every time you open the applications.

9. Finally figure out the answers to all of Mos Def’s and Common’s questions in “The Questions” and send them the answer

It’s a 4:09 song from 2000 just asking questions. Someone already figured out who the Zodiac Killer was so this will be your great investigation. Bonus: Answer all 21 questions from 50 Cent’s “21 Questions.”

10. Publish your conspiracy theory that John Singleton had a vendetta against people named Rick

It’s disgusting. Boyz N the Hood and Snowfall? You’re telling me Ricky, a D1 athlete, couldn’t outrun a beaten-up Honda Civic and a sawed off double barrel from halfway down a wide alley? Plot hole. Singleton clearly had a thing against Ricks.

John Singleton stole the life story of Rick “Freeway Ricky” Ross. The real one, not the rapper Rick Ross, Ricky Rozay, Da Boss, etc.

The real Rick Ross was the main pusher of crack and was used as a pawn by the US during the Iran-Contra conflict. The US used the sale of cocaine sourced from Central American countries into Black communities to funnel weapons and money to the Sandinistas to fight communism and socialism in Central American countries like Nicaragua. After interference from the senate in Reagan trying to directly support resistance groups trying to topple existing government structures that weren’t in line with the former president’s beliefs on collectivist governments, Reagan hatched a harebrained scheme to kill two birds with one stone: permanently disenfranchise the Black population in the US and cause permanent instability all over the world.

Singleton then stole Ross’ life story, twisted it a bit to avoid lawsuits and sold it to network television. Another Rick cheated in his war path.

The unfortunate truth is that both of these projects are amazing, so no one connected the dots.

All of these were actually very anecdotal and shows what I did during prep week. Good luck on your finals. You’re going to need it since you can’t cheat on them from the sanctity of your home anymore now that we’re doing tests in person again.

Note from the editor, Omar Waheed: Thank you for reading Daily Diatribes this semester. It’s been a work in progress, and we hope to keep entertaining you all. Please take the feedback survey at the top of the Dose so we can make improvements. Direct feedback and comments can be sent to [email protected]. Tune in next semester when we come back!