For the last two decades, public institutions have increasingly veered away from the righteous, moral traditions of the one-room schoolhouse and rather committed to academics deemed “essential” by the majority of the people in this once great democracy. Luckily, the proud and few students who still seek to find comfort in the lost ways could always seek shelter through skipping lectures contradictory to our views or simply passing/failing the said course. 

However, this freedom all came to an end when on my last Stat 305 exam, I was forced to utilize a theory so vile and evil that I took to write my first essay since sophomore high school English to warn this student body. The slanderous sniving statistics department here at Iowa State is not teaching, but ramming the Critical Limit Theorem (CLT) down the throats of its patrons and I will no longer stand for it.

CLT is an incredibly moronic principle that tries to instill the idea that any sampling size larger than thirty persons does not have any individuality and is just considered normal. Well howdy CLT, imma tell you here first that in America we don’t care so much for this communistic approach to number counting and also let me iterate just a quick little fact for you. . . numbers cannot have FEELINGS. 

That is a fact jack and no matter how long your tedious TA’s like John Franklin Koerselman Jr spend trying to tell me otherwise, I know that a number cannot feel normal. A number is a number no matter whether it’s sad or if it’s happy. I mean for criminy sakes 2+2=4 even on Sundays when the cowboys lose. This glorification of normal has reduced a once-great math class into a system of emotional cry baby numbers.

These numbers could never hold up to the challenges of past problems. Heck, back in the 1960’s, numbers much less sophisticated than these landed a man on the moon. Those numbers didn’t have these fancy distributions or any special calculators, they just had gusto and a lot of indoor cigarettes to fuel their passion. 

CLT has fundamentally altered the basis of how information is being taught to students here at Iowa State. College should not be a place where knowledge is challenged, but rather a home where money can be turned into a piece of paper with people’s names on it. This teaching must be stopped immediately because given time, who knows what this sinister stats department labels numbers as next. . . . Gaussian?!?!?