Iowa State is home to one of three colleges with a distinguished Memorial Lawn. In this grassy haven, hundreds of thousands of students shared their genius and grew into respectable members of society. However, on the weaning hours of Sunday morning, a group of rogue student nudists soils these sacred grounds on their conquest from Curtiss to Beardshear.

Though widely known and regarded, this group has continually evaded the ever-watchful eye of the ISU PD, but how? The ISU PD can consistently ticket or tow a missed parked car in 30 minutes or less, but they continually miss out on the ISU equivalent of the bulls’? Not only is this situation not probable, but it is also impossible. The ISU PD is turning a blind eye to this plethora of streaking, and this reporter has had enough.

On Oct. 16, 2021, I paid a visit to the crime scene to observe, and possibly perform a citizens arrest of the perpetrators in the nude. Upon arrival, I was greeted by an ever-growing crowd of supporters to encourage the criminal ring on their newest attempt to join the sex offender registry.

At exactly midnight, the deed began. My heart began to race as soon I would come face to face with the barreling Neanderthals I set out to stop. Sadly, in the blur of the action, I was only able to obtain this short dialogue:

Reporter: “Why do you do this?”

Runners: *Various slapping flesh noises.”

While I could not gather any words from the runners, I do not believe any comments exist to encapsulate the experience. The utter beauty of the human form was displayed in ways this reporter had only seen in the works of Michelangelo in the Sistine Chapel.

The runner of this intriguing group has discovered a way to combine the camp of being an animal with the fury of human advancement at universities. The naked runner of Curtiss to Beardshear has unlocked a brief Utopia that this reporter now yearns to obtain every day of his life.