For years now, there has been peace between us red-blooded Americans and our pot-smoking socialist neighbors to the north. Though times are changing and the Canadians, once a benign tumor on the continent, are gaining unbridled international strength for their so called “peace loving” nature, but this may make them a threat to the American way of life.

These jack-wagons are getting away with such do-goodery simply because they keep taking American things and making them Canadian and weird. For example, football, the sport where we throw the ball with our hands, is played by the Canadians, but they only have three downs per possession, not four, and they can score by punting the ball. Punting the ball to score? What are they doing with the extra time they would otherwise spend doing an extra down each drive or running it in for a touchdown? That’s right, they’re piping your gal.

But it’s ok because they feel bad about it after, and that’s why your girlfriend keeps seeing these “well educated” and “sensitive” people. It’s also why she keeps complaining that you’re emotionless. There are no other possible explanations.

I know you didn’t think about it before because they aren’t us, but the Canadian federal government is also as emotional as its citizens. Unlike us who fought a bloody war against those depressed, tea drinking, sad sacks in Europe, the Canadians never tried to strangle their overlords. They were just given freedom because they asked nicely, the most classic and dangerous of the Canadian tactics. 

On top of that, they limit the time period that political campaigns can be run. How do they do this? American men know that we need to start thinking about the next president at least two years in advance. Of course, your girlfriend would like this because while you’re getting in a fist fight with your friend about their favorite colors when it comes to the political world. What do you think the Canadians are doing while you’re doing that? That’s right, plowing your dame.

Now these maple leaf communists are obviously dope-fiends and legalized marijuana way before most of America. This is no surprise when you look at the festive costume their Supreme Court wears. In America, we have black, respectable gowns that make our justices look scary and important. On the other hand, this is what the Canadian Supreme Court wears:

They also read every verdict with a cookie and warm glass of milk. These people legalized marijuana and gay marriage well before the USA, but can we really trust these people who are so into Santa cosplay?

No. Don’t forget that they burned down our capital for the first time, neigh on 200 years ago and they will do it again. Then after, they will bang your girlfriend, but at least they will be polite and sensitive about it.