Editor’s Note: The following column is a satire piece.

Yeehaw! It has finally happened, my dear reader. Texas is finally on its way back to the glory days of the Old West with cattle drives, train robbers and all the guns you can handle. For too long, Texas has been subject to the tidal wave of progressivism that has turned the hearty men of American into thoughtful, sensitive people who use words instead of deadly force to get a simple point across. 

Texas Gov. Greg Abbott has signed into law Texas House Bill 1927, allowing people in the state of Texas to carry firearms without a permit or training. While this has been opposed by both Democrats and law enforcement groups, it has been hailed as a major success for “constitutional carry” believers that say “every American should be able to defend themselves and finish an argument the American way: by slinging hot lead at insane speeds.”

Democrats are angry with the decision because after the 2019 El Paso shooting, which saw the death of 23 people and the injury of 23 more, there was a feeling of unity around the approach of more gun regulations. But with the signing of this bill, it seems the rug has been pulled out from under them. So, the question that arose was what happened since the El Paso shooting. And, as a lot of things as of present, COVID is to blame. 

As stated by the governor, he got bored while in lockdown, like the rest of us. In all his newly found free time, he was able to pick up a new hobby: playing Red Dead Redemption 2. As he progressed through the game, he started to enjoy it and yearn for these lost days of swift justice delivered by a fast traveling piece of lead. But what really caused Abbott’s change of heart wasn’t the campaign. It was the online roleplaying servers. 

As reported by the governor’s office, Abbott became enthralled with the extensive world of Red Dead Online, which allowed him to reign as a hard-nosed sheriff that kept the peace with an army of deputies as well as a slew of well-armed citizens. As he went deeper and deeper into the rabbit hole, he became more and more entrenched in a simple idea that has ruled over conservative thinking about gun regulation. The only way to stop a bad gun is with an overwhelming number of good guns. 

Along with the abrupt switch in tone, Abbott also expressed a number of new legislation ideas to help expand the constitutional liberties granted to gun owners. As reportedly said to some of his advisers, Abbott expressed interest in creating a “bullets for beginners” program, which would give young children a free gun and access to kid-friendly firing ranges with smaller range slots and juice boxes.

He also wished to implement a “pistols for parolees” program, which would give released felons with small caliber pistols after release. When pushed for his reasoning, Abbott responded, “We need to provide our citizens an opportunity to use their new freedoms. And there is no better way than to use those liberties on undesirables that can no longer be contained in facilities.”

Since shootings have continued and picked up since the state reopened, Abbott seems to be putting all his eggs in one constitutional basket, thanks to a detailed action-survival game about a time long gone. And who says video games have no real-world impacts?