Editor’s Note: The following column is a satire piece.

Oh, my dear reader, the abortion debate has taken a very stark turn as pro-life advocates begin to reshape their message. As more and more states enact restrictive abortion laws, those on the front line of these bills have decided to rebrand. Supporters still believe life begins at conception but finally feel safe enough to admit that their care for it runs out just after the child has destroyed its mother’s vagina. 

As many parents and all mothers know, giving birth is awful — both physically and financially. Some bills are so draining that children are in middle school before their parents can finally get rid of their debt. And according to the president of the U.S Board of Prenatal Medicine, “That is much too early for them to be paying that off.”

In a statement published by the Board, the president remarked that “Babies and mothers equal money. And the more prematurely they give birth, the better. Because then we can capitalize on their desperation to save their child and bill them for years and years. If we’re lucky, they’ll default on their payments, and we can start seizing assets, the real good stuff.”

Now, the average cost of birth in America ranges from $4,000 to $7,500 with insurance and $11,000 to $14,500 without, with many hospitals charging you to even hold your baby right after birth. This is what is also referred to as a ransom. This is much higher than our cousins in the United Kingdom, which cost around $2,300, and our neighbors in Canada, where birth is essentially free. But as all Americans know, it shouldn’t be financially easy to do something that women have been doing for hundreds of thousands of years because that’s just not how it works in America. If you can make a buck, then make that buck. 

Those in support of these new bills have decided that since they have finally gained enough traction in the political arena, they can focus on their real goals. And thus, pro-life has taken on a new moniker: pro-birth. Now, this may not seem like much of a change to many, but I have been assured that there are some vital distinctions. The new pro-brith stance focuses more on the economic and fiscal benefits of a woman going through childbirth instead of the religious facade that has been used for years. 

And it’s not just those close to these bills. Conservatives and supporters all across the country are hailing this new direction in messaging. Even a coalition of House Republicans released a statement stating their support, saying that “It is time that we acknowledge what this has been about all along: the business of childbirth and human management.”

The statement also went on to say that they welcome the change because they no longer have to say they love human life after America’s weekly mass shootings. They can now simply say they love the money that can be made on people trying to transition to the next phase of their lives and achieve what is considered a fundamental part of the American dream: a family.