Editor’s Note: The following column is a satire piece.

Dear reader, we are finally getting what we all know we want but will never say it. Better sex ed! And not just sex ed that is nothing more then a subpar biology lesson taught by your under-qualified gym teacher. 

Some schools have announced that in the wake of the COIVD-19 pandemic, instead of real-life classes, students will be immersed in a fully digital world with planned assignments and interactive games to help teach them the functions and mechanics of each sex’s genitalia and how they work in tandem together. Some schools have even started creating educational videos to help properly inform their students. 

Administrators say these new programs are meant to keep children safe as they learn about the wonders of the human body. They also assert it will help provide a more comprehensive sexual education so students can make smart and informed sexual decisions. Many of those in support state they support the change because “Nobody actually has sex to just have babies. That’s just ridiculous.”  

Some of the virtual programs include: Anatomy of the Orgasm, Search and Destroy: Clitoris Edition, Penises for Pinheads and Kamasutra Bingo, along with a host of other programs. Most of the programs are being developed and tested by Microsoft and Mindgeek. 

Now, like most new improvements to curriculum, it has been met with staunch opposition by conservative families and lawmakers. Many state these changes will teach children about how to safely have fun intercourse instead of focusing on biblical procreation. When asked why, many that oppose it state that “Children shouldn’t be taught how to have safe sex. Then it might encourage them to have it more than a few times in their lives.”

These objectors have even started funding their own sexual education lessons that inform children while “keeping with the Biblical teachings on sex.” These church-friendly lessons include Abstinence: The Best Sex is No Sex, Proper Dancing: How to Leave Room for Jesus and Abortion: Why Your Rights Don’t Matter to Jesus.

When asked, supporters say these programs will help keep children safe from sexual diseases by discouraging them from having sex at all. I’m sure I don’t have to tell you, my reader, that the best and most proven way to keep kids from making mistakes is to not give them the knowledge to stay safe but simply scare them from ever trying it in the first place.  

While these are both still proposals, they have been gaining support throughout their respective communities. Both groups claim these new practices will help, but one question is still yet to be put to the true test. What will really help: giving children knowledge and free protection, or instilling them with government-sanctioned fear?