Editor’s Note: The following column is a satire piece.

My dearest readers, we are approaching the light at the end of the tunnel. Vaccines are available for most Americans now, and with appointments as a hot commodity, hopefully we will be able to return to normal life soon. And with that, we look toward life after COVID-19. But how do you live now that you have a microchip in your arm? Not to fear. I have been living with my microchip for about a week now, and I will guide you and your friends on how to live in a post-COVID-19, Bill Gates microchip world. 

The first thing you will experience is soreness at the injection site. This is because the introduction of new substances, especially electronics, causes slight discomfort as the body gets used to it. How long it lasts varies from person to person, but it usually only lasts a day at most as the chip taps into your nervous system. It does this so it can accurately measure and report your vital signs, relay your location and livestream what you see and hear so that our political and bureaucratic overlords can spy on us whenever they want. 

Next, you will experience fuzzy vision and corneal pulsing. This usually lasts only 20 to 30 minutes after the chip is implanted into your nervous system, though there have been cases of people randomly losing sight or having a rapid decrease in sharpness of their vision. Don’t be alarmed by this, as it is your government handler getting used to your new controls. The Pentagon and CIA have released a joint statement saying these were isolated incidents and that they have updated their systems so this shouldn’t happen again. They also said they fixed the bug causing milk to leak out of people’s noses when they drank milk, but they are still working to fix the sticking problem. 

Probably one of the worst side effects would be the chip’s lighting features. Though it blinks a different color for different health problems, it never turns off. That makes it a little difficult to go to sleep with a steady blue blinking light. The easy solution is to wear a shirt over it, but it is designed to shine through clothes to help inform medical personnel and make it incredibly hard to win at hide and seek. Some might argue that the worst side effect is the potential for sudden, spontaneous death, but I disagree. The thrill makes it more fun.

Despite these side effects, the CDC assures us the vaccine is safe and the chances of experiencing any of these side effects is very minor. Because even our own health isn’t worth the effort without a little danger, right?