Editor’s Note: The following column is a satire piece.

Dear reader, hope is on the horizon!

The vaccine is here, people will be lining up around the block — depending on your political views — to get this shot in the arm that will help return our society to normal. Now, we can finally start enjoying the things we used to — gatherings with family, movies and bars, concerts and, of course, mass shootings. I know this has been one of the most anticipated pastimes to resume now that some of the previous restrictions have been lifted. Since we can now gather in groups, we can now cower in them, too. 

Though we didn’t hear about them as much in 2020, mass shootings rose, having 161 more than in 2019. While what is considered a mass shooting is debated, a solid consensus is that a mass shooting consists of four victims, shot either lethally or not. Though there were more shootings, many of them barely crossed that four-victim threshold. Now that more people will be able to gather together, it will be easier to have the large, murderous spectacles that we all get to see almost every month. But with fears of tighter gun control that may save millions of lives, Republicans and gun advocates are working hard to prevent these frivolous, live-saving restrictions. 

Heroes like Ted Cruz are here to remind us that this is just nonsensical jargon being spewed by the left. There is no way that tighter restrictions on weapons that are designed to eliminate a large group of people would help protect more innocent American lives. Have Democrats forgotten that the founders clearly knew that it is every American’s God-given right to own an easy-to-use piece of military equipment just for kicks? How could they possibly put the Second Amendment in the Bill of Rights in 1791 without knowing what guns would be like today? There is just no way that the founders, who were from a time when it took nine minutes to load a gun, couldn’t imagine a firearm firing off 60 rounds a second. I mean, we can imagine laser swords and blasters.  

So, what do you do if a member of your community uses his God-given rights to harm you or someone else? Well, the simple answer would be to take that person’s firearm. But that is too easy and effective, and therefore un-American. We must remember they have the same rights as you and me. Just because they used their rights to violently and suddenly end a number of human lives doesn’t mean you have the right to strip them of their rights — or any other gun owner. Remember, as with our police, a few bad, murderous apples shouldn’t ruin the whole bunch. Because mass murder is wrong. But having the ability to perform it is a founding, fundamental right.