Muslims rejoice! Have you been sick of getting the same questions about Ramadan every year like me to our non-Muslim peers?

 

The answer is yes, and I have decided to compile answers to all the questions for an easy viewing and reference in the future.

 

What is Ramadan?

Ramadan is the holy month in Islam where we vehemently celebrate the accomplishments of heroes like Gamal Abdel Nasser and get increasingly angrier at western involvement in non-western nations.

 

What do you do during Ramadan?

Just vibe for a month.

 

When is Ramadan?

Ramadan follows the lunar calendar which is around 12 days less than the normal Gregorian calendar that follows 365 days. Because it follows the lunar calendar, we deeply believe in astrology and this Ramadan, and as Eid approaches, the moon is in Taurus, so you know what that means. For real tell me.

 

What is the point?

The point of Ramadan is to sculpt the sickest bod possible from intermittent fasting. This diet fad has been stolen from the holy Quran.

 

So you don’t eat at all?

It’s called beauty and its pain. No pain no gain. From sunup to sundown there is no eating or drinking.

 

Wow, do you eat a lot after fasting is done?

No that defeats the purpose. We are actually too exhausted after not putting any fuel into our bodies and pass out only to wake up and do it all over again.

 

Why are you so cranky?

I. AM. HUNGRY.

 

What is Eid?

Eid marks the end of Ramadan where we pray extra hard and celebrate. In layman’s terms, it’s Muslim Christmas but better since it’s twice a year.

 

There’s two Eids? Does that mean that there are two Ramadans?

Ha, no. Unless you want to prove your superiority to other Muslims and earn platinum tier membership.

 

Hahaha can I try Ramadan?

Sure, but your soft, weak, western body is not able to keep up with this rich tradition. If you do try, be aware of Ramadan breath which is a phenomenon where your breath continuously stinks no matter how many times you brush your teeth because for some reason starvation causes halitosis.

 

Bonus: Can I draw the Prophet Muhammad?

Actually yes. We have a clause for this that during the month of Ramadan, you can indeed draw a picture of the Prophet Muhammad. Make sure you take your drawing to a local mosque so they can appreciate you work and post it on all of your social media accounts and tag your employer and the ACLU. Throw Al Sharpton and Farrakhan in there too— they would love to get in on the action.