A couple walks into a hip new restaurant. At their table they talk about their day and the cool retro-chic stylings, but not a word about the food. In fact, only one of them even looks at the menu. The waiter comes to take their order. Strangely, the one with the menu orders dinner for both. Fifteen minutes later the one who ordered is presented a delicious dish, but they don’t even see it placed on the table.

The one who ordered is not focused on their dish. They are paying absolute attention to their partner, who is beaming as they are given their all-time favorite dish, shrimp tacos.  

Would you ever trust your partner to order dinner for you? Wouldn’t it be exhilarating to not know what you’re getting? How much closer would you feel to your partner when that amazing dish arrives?

Now step into the shoes of the person ordering. Could you order for your date and get the exact right dish?  Wouldn’t you be tickled pink to have a partner that trusts you that deeply? If that sounds tempting to you, I dare you to try that on your next date. With your partner’s permission, of course.

This is the exact same trust dynamic people use when they agree to let someone tie them up during sex. This is the same way people are OK letting their partner spank them. This is how BDSM works.

BDSM traditionally stands for bondage, dominance, sadism and masochism. It relies upon total trust between all parties. It’s a term used to describe a wide range of sexual activities, interests and sex play.

So, even if you don’t have a kinky bone in your body, you can benefit by knowing how we, the kinky, achieve this high level of trust.

It is important to acknowledge BDSM can be anything you want it to be as long as all parties are consenting and know the risks involved so they can remain safe. BDSM features ‘dominants’ who are given power, ‘submissives’ who give up their individual power and ‘switches’ who take up either roll.

All play starts with a conversation first. We lay out everything we love, everything we are curious about and the things we absolutely will not do. “Give me lots of kisses. I’d love to try out a blindfold. Stay away from my nipples.” You define your boundaries, no one else. You give consent with three conditions.

1. Everything that is off limits remains off limits.

2. You can revoke your consent at any time by using a safe word.

3. You are not to be shamed for your limits or for using your safe word.

Being a dominant is not about getting everything you want. Submissives aren’t simply there to pretend they love whatever their dominant loves. BDSM, much like any relationship, is best when it is an honest expression of the people involved and mutually beneficial.

If you want to order dinner like a dominatrix, take a note from us kinky folk. Communicate with your partner, listen to their desires and respect their choices.

Note from the author, Aaron Kirch, sophomore in mechanical engineering: I am the current president of Cuffs and, well, with any luck I will be again next year. I got involved last year as a member and took you the leadership position as the previous government for the club graduated. Personally, I joined because I’m kinky and I wanted to get involved with the local community.

Anyone interested in joining Cuffs should subscribe to our mailing list at https://www.stuorg.iastate.edu/site/cuffs. We are done with general meetings for this semester, so new members will have to wait for our new meeting schedule to come out next semester.