Editor’s note: The following column is a satire piece. 

The Iowa Board of Regents held an emergency session this past Friday, March 4, to discuss support for Ukraine. After 90 minutes of discussion, the Board voted 8 to 1 to expel all Russian students from its schools and universities across Iowa. The vote comes after several pro-Ukraine protests across Iowa cities. Students will be banned from campus starting March 15, after which they will arrested for trespassing.

Not everyone was in agreement with the Board’s decision. University of Iowa’s Thomas Rorsch, professor of physics, condemned the vote: “Russian students have no say in political decisions, especially those students which have immigrated here from Russia.” Others believe the move by the Board was not enough. According to Robert Dimer of Waterloo, “those Ruskies gotta go. It’s not just the ones born in Russia that we can’t trust. But I’m still holding out hope for that Executive Order 9077 they were talking about.” The executive order of which Dimer speaks is a potential plan to temporarily relocate those of Russian ancestry to housing centers across the U.S. U.S. Congressman Culbert Olson proposed the idea last week, but Republicans are holding up funding for the project.

Iowa State’s Assistant Professor of Political Science Dianna Costello voiced support for the Board’s actions: “It is important to send a message to Russians everywhere: #StopAsianHate doesn’t apply to you.” Costello continued, “If you Russians don’t rise up and oppose your oppressors in Moscow, we will make sure to oppress you ourselves.”

Brigadier General Jonathan DeWitt, head of the Iowa National Guard, offered support for the Board’s decision and offered to help in the expulsion of the students. “I don’t want any of them [persons of Russian ancestry] here. They are a dangerous element. There is no way to determine their loyalty… It makes no difference whether he is an American citizen, he is still a Russian. American citizenship does not necessarily determine loyalty… But we must worry about the Russian all the time until he is wiped off the map.”

The Board’s vote follows a string of actions taken by Iowa politicians to show support for Ukraine. On Tuesday, March 1, Gov. Reynolds banned the sales of all liquor manufactured by Russians. Sen. Grassley announced support for re-arming Ukraine with up to eight nuclear missiles on Friday. State Sen. Rob Hogg joined with Sen. Joni Ernst last week to begin state-level sanctions aimed at Russian workers across all industries. Total Wine announced it will no longer sell any Russian-made products. Says former U.S. ambassador to Russia: “There are no more ‘innocent’ Russians anymore. Everyone has to make a choice— support or oppose this war.”