Editor’s note: This piece is a part of ‘In This Together,’ which seeks to raise awareness about the complex issues of sexual violence. We asked the Iowa State community to share perspectives in various mediums as survivors, bystanders and allies. The initiative is a partnership between the Iowa State Daily, Green Dot and the Margaret Sloss Women’s Center. 

When I was in fourth grade I was molested by my grandfather. He told me not to tell anybody, and I didn’t until he tried it with my sister and she told my parents. I can never decide whether or not to consider it sexual abuse, because it wasn’t rape or anything. Because of that, it’s been hard for me to deal with the affects it’s had on my life, because I’m not sure if I’m just crazy or freaking out over something that wasn’t a big deal in the first place.

You never truly understand the phrase “you never think it’s gonna happen to you” until it does. I remember each year in elementary school they taught us what was a “good touch” and “bad touch,” and looking back at it now I don’t understand how I missed all the signs. After it all came out, I went through therapy and just tried to forget about it. That was just what I thought I was supposed to do. Now I’m not sure, because I see how it has affected me in everyday life. Ever since then, I feel like I’ve developed an anxiety disorder, because it’s like in every moment I’m just waiting for another terrible thing to happen so I can get over it and move on. 

The worst thing about it is that I continue to blame myself for it; that I let it happen to my younger sister; that I didn’t recognize the signs enough to prevent her from getting hurt. That’s what kills me the most. I haven’t told anyone here, I don’t know if it’s worth telling anybody. I mean, it’s all been taken care of and I don’t know if my story can really help anyone. My sorority literally supports domestic violence awareness, and whenever we go around in a circle and explain why we chose this particular one, I feel as though I can never share my true reason, because I’m not sure what people will think. I don’t even think it will matter.