Becoming “exclusive” is a big turning point for romantic couples. For some couples, this is an exciting change that increases partners’ commitment, satisfaction, and closeness. For other couples, this change can be met with uncertainty and tension — especially if partners’ expectations are different. If you are wanting to make your relationship “official,” communication can help you navigate these issues.

First, observe your partner’s verbal and nonverbal communication to find out if s/he is ready to become exclusive. Does your partner want to spend the majority of his/her time with you? Is your partner contacting you via social media (e.g., commenting on your photos, following you on Twitter), calling you or asking to see you more frequently? If so, then your partner is likely trying to intensify your bond and take your relationship to the next stage. If your partner is devoting more time to work or school responsibilities, or spending more time with friends and other potential romantic partners, then it’s possible your partner is not ready to be exclusive.

Does your partner use “we” and “our” language when addressing you or your relationship? These messages communicate partners’ view of the relationship (e.g., “This is our favorite place to eat”) and intentions for the future (e.g., “We should go to Cancun for spring break”). Although it may seem subtle, if your partner places more emphasis on him/herself as an individual, then it’s possible that your partner wants to maintain his/her independence.

Does your partner communicate his/her affection through words (e.g., “I love you, “You mean a lot to me”) or actions (e.g., showing support, helping you out). If your partner is lacking in the affection area, s/he may not be ready to commit.

Second, have a conversation with your partner about your feelings, fears and future plans. It is important to openly discuss the current state of your relationship and where you want the relationship to go in the future. It is even more critical to discuss any uncertainties you have. You can reduce your uncertainty by asking your partner questions such as: “How do you feel about us?” or “What are your goals for the future of this relationship?” Your partner’s answers will give you insight into his/her thoughts and help you decide if you and your partner are on the same page. Some couples “slide” into big changes in their relationship (e.g., move in together, get married, have a baby) without fully discussing their thoughts first.

This lack of communication can lead to serious problems in the future. It is OK if you and your partner don’t have your entire future mapped out, but the more frequently you engage in open and honest conversations about your relationship, the more resilient your relationship will be when change occurs. If your partner avoids this “relationship talk” or is unwilling to divulge personal feelings, it’s possible that your partner is not interested in becoming “exclusive.”

For more information about using effective communication skills in your personal and professional relationships, contact Iowa State University’s Communication Studies Program.