Editor’s note: This is a satirical opinion piece. The names of people mentioned and their quotes are completely fictional. The situation this story is based on is also fictional.

Iowa State freshman Jason Eldman is ecstatic after discovering an intramural champion t-shirt at the local Goodwill.

Eldman is studying vocal music performance and has historically been more involved in artistic activities than athletic. He went to high school in the Des Moines metro area and was involved with activities like show choir, speech competitions and theater.

At Eldman’s first campus tour as a high schooler, the tour guide highlighted the thrill of intramurals at Iowa State. He recalls that the tour guide declared no student is a true Iowa State student until they win a championship. All intramural champions receive a t-shirt that Iowa State’s Recreation Services website refers to as “highly coveted.”

Eldman says he remembers feeling the social pressure immediately. “As someone who has never really been interested in athletics, it was unfortunate to know that succeeding in an intramural sport was my only way to become a true Iowa Stater.”

After skimming the list of intramural sports, Eldman says he felt very discouraged and didn’t have much hope of ever winning a shirt. The ISU Recreation Services website says they provide many options to meet “diverse interests,” but Eldman says he thinks they could expand more into musical areas.

“There wasn’t one option that I could see myself succeeding in,” he explained. “But if there was a ‘Reciting Lyrics from Dear Evan Hansen’ or ‘Identifying Baroque Music vs. Renaissance Music’ intramural, I think us music majors would have a better shot.”

A recent trip to Goodwill changed Eldman’s luck. On a random Tuesday in March, he found and purchased an authentic 2018 Iowa State Intramural Champion t-shirt for only $3 at the popular Ames thrift store.

“That moment may go down as the best moment of my freshman year. A weight was lifted off of my shoulders as I purchased the mark of a true Iowa State student, finally able to pursue my degree without the fear of being a social outcast,” Eldman said.

He says that the t-shirt is securely hidden in an undisclosed location. Eldman states that a handful of his musical friends “would commit serious felonies” to get their hands on his shirt, so he intends to be extra cautious.