First of all, don’t cut your toenails while driving. And stop cutting them in front of the police officer who pulled you over for doing so. Seriously, cut it out. This is not the time. Stick to safe distractions like the radio or texting.

You may have heard that the best time to cut your toenails is after a shower. To be clear, the best time is after – not during – a shower. If you cut your toenails in the shower, you will likely try to balance on one foot while you cut the toenails of the other. Bad idea.

When you start to lose your balance, you will try to hop on your one foot, slip and fall. On the way down, your head will hit the bathtub sink. Your roommate will hear the noise and feel the need to check on you when you don’t respond. When he finds you naked and unconscious, he will notice you’ve definitely been going to Wendy’s every night for the past month when you said you were going to the gym. Not to mention your headache the next morning will be brutal. Believe me. I’ve done this. Twice.

Cutting your toenails in front of somebody — not in the shower — is a power move. As you’re adroitly cutting, ask the observer in what order he cuts his toenails. Don’t listen to his response. That’s not the point. Then say, “I cut from my left pinky toe to my right. Like I read books. It just makes sense to me that way. I read a lot of books.” The most important part of reading books is that people know you read books.

If you’re cutting around food, be careful not to let a toenail ricochet off of the clippers into the food. Especially if that food is coconut shavings because they are indistinguishable from a healthy toenail. You will not be able to pick out the toenail.

Having said that, if your girlfriend has coconut shavings in her kitchen and she’s been pissing you off lately, save your toenails and mix them into the shavings. That will teach her for making you go to her grandpa’s funeral. And it will be hilarious to watch her check the expiration date of her coconut shavings as she tries to get the horrible taste out of her mouth.