Editor’s Note: This is a humor column, and anybody taking its contents too seriously ought to reconsider themselves, generally.

These litanies might seem trivial to some. They might seem trite, unqualified, insignificant, worthless, and I might seem a whiner and a boob and a layabout to all my readers. But — let me ask these prudent readers — are we not all whiners and boobs in the grander scheme of things? Are we not all layabouts, deep down, when really pressed and pulped and distilled into our Constitution’s basest juices? And — these things being granted — why should I not take some time out of my day to dip a quill into these same juices and mark down their stain upon the page in a form resembling the list below? 

And so, without any more ado, after having been slighted, and affronted, at various times, to varying degrees, by various offenders, or by various conditions — the circumstances of which I will detail shortly hereafter — I present three petitions that anybody with sense would note merit restitutions made:

1. There are stairs, about the southern end of East Hall, that have a hump in them — that is to say, when viewed from the rat’s perspective, each step has a peak in the middle, and tapers downward toward each edge.

The trouble here is that it is observably dangerous to climb up these stairs without catching the toe of one’s boot upon one of these unusually protruding lips — thereby making a fool of oneself — or, worse, hurting oneself. I have seen others subjected to such discomfiture and have actually been made prey myself. If nothing else, I should like a sign to be posted.

2. There are some urinals, about the premises of Carver Hall, that are so unfortunately, unforgivably removed from the wall to such a degree that the user finds himself standing a good 3 or so feet toward the center of the restroom whilst in service.

To add to this injury upon any reasonable standard of propriety, there is mysteriously missing the typical fiberboard dividers that separate each urinal from its neighbor. Instead, there are a set of particularly useless boards flatly attached to the wall in between each urinal that almost appear to be the remnants of since-removed dividing screens, for whatever reason. 

The laws of the men’s restroom are a sacred, binding, established since time-immemorial covenant that each man takes upon himself in the course and in the duty of his visits to any lavatory; and these obscene, indecent Carver Hall urinals make it a mockery. If renovations are not set to directly begin, I demand that the offending restrooms be immediately closed until further notice.  

3. As my third and final complaint, I would call attention to the set of doors that equip the Lied Recreation Athletic Center’s main entrance. Of these eight or so entrances, arranged in two parallel ranks of four, there are a certain number that are unusually, curiously lightweight and easy to pull open (an insubstantial sort of door, that is), and, also, a certain number that are inexplicably, frustratingly heavy (a substantial sort of door) and requiring of an actually concentrated application of one’s powers to open.

The trouble, here being, is in the uncertainty of knowing which sort of resistance the would-be opener will come up against in his or her effort to enter or leave the complex.

I have witnessed others and have experienced myself this difficulty, on numerous occasions having either whipped open an insubstantial sort of door when expecting a substantial one, or, conversely, lamely tugging upon a substantial door after having expected an insubstantial one. I need not relate the embarrassment this kind of thing leads to, but would merely suggest that the university administration go about ensuring the uniformity of door-resistance more satisfactorily.

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So, to conclude, I will ask one last question: Are there more pressing, relevant matters that demand our campus’ attention? Likely so. But how could we ever hope to accomplish anything in relation to these matters — of any meaningful worth — when we are tripping up staircases, when our public restrooms are offensive by design and when we are made fools by trifling gym doors?

I ask you this not only for the sake of myself and my own opinions, but also for the sake of our combined Iowa State University and Ames community, on behalf of its desire to be a wholesome, decent, virtuous place for all its residents and all its visitors.