For too long now, this good state of Iowa has submissively stood by and allowed countless packs of rotten Missouri hill-folk to freely cross its border. These sinners, these bushwhackers, these bumpkins and yokels — they steal our jobs, they steal our wives, they steal our opportunities, they profit from our state services and benefits; and I for one have had enough. It’s time we build a wall.

So, to begin: The state of Iowa, by my rough estimation, shares a 230-mile border with the state of Missouri. From the Missouri to the Mississippi River, this relatively horizontal and direct bisecting boundary line crosses a swathe of rural farmland (some of which is terraced) besides roughly 300 or 400 rivers, tributaries or creeks of meaningful size before trailing off in a southeasterly direction to its endpoint at the intersection of the Des Moines and Mississippi River.  

As a result of my proposed wall’s construction, the towns of Braddyville, Iowa, and Lineville, Iowa, (among a few others) must unfortunately be transformed into segregated border cities à la West and East Berlin. A necessary evil, but I am sure the citizens will themselves understand. They would naturally be provided for by some kind of settlement, or at least a property tax break. For the families that might be separated from their loved ones, for those individuals whose daily commute might be cut off or for all those who will be otherwise impaired in their ability to live a happy, fulfilling and virtuous life — here is what I have to say: Them’s the breaks.    

What, you ask, of the wall’s manning? Of course we could not leave it unattended. Those rascally Missourians will have ladders, shovels and battering rams, and they must be closely watched.  

As such, I propose the state of Iowa undergo a trivial little bit of conscription, and press into border-control-service farmers and landowners of property within the 10 horizontally continuous counties Fremont through Lee. In a similar vein, I would suggest that a state governmental department be established that organizes local volunteer fishermen, sailors and watermen to regularly patrol the rivers, tributaries and creeks, which, as aforementioned, intersect my proposed border wall. This would necessarily be a grassroots sort of movement, which I would expect to be well supported.  

As for the cost of the labor and materials that such a colossal project might require, I propose the federal government foot the bill. Is it not its duty to fund such projects? — Such projects that provide for the common good, the general prosperity and the collective welfare of these United States? Iowa is a part of the union, after all, and it’s the union that the Senate and the House serve. Let’s put those tax dollars to some good use (for once).

Unfortunately, and as far as I can tell, very little of the land required is publicly owned. As such, eminent domain must be employed by the state in a massive, unprecedented scope. Even so, I wouldn’t really expect the fallout to amount to much — especially given the undoubtedly unanimous support I would imagine a project of these so varied merits to be afforded.

But one last word in relation to the minutiae: I would advise against the placement of any actual legal border crossings. In other words, I propose the wall to be entirely continuous.

What, you ask, of those who might wish to travel in between Iowa and Missouri for actually wholesome purposes? This I have to say to them: stop kidding yourself. Whatever affairs you wish to conduct, in whatever capacities, to whatever extents, for whatever reasons — you can conduct them just as well in Iowa as in Missouri.

These Missouri folk aren’t the folk for us. They’re not like us. They’re worse than us. As such, they shouldn’t be let into our state. Such is the American way.