As the sun went down and a blustery wind picked up, hundreds of students, university representatives and community members tried to shield their lit candles from the wind as they stood together in a circle beneath the campanile. 

A framed photograph of Tong Shao became illuminated as the crowd placed their candles on the three tables covered in black tablecloths. Some laid white flowers on the ground in front of the tables and bowed three times to show their respects.

“The whole international student community has been very sad,” said Xilu Wang, president of the Chinese Students and Scholars Association. “It was really sudden.”

Shao, a 20-year-old Iowa State international student from China, was reported missing on Sept. 17, and police found her body in the trunk of a car in Iowa City on Sept. 26. Her death is still under investigation.

The main person of interest is University of Iowa student, Xiangnan Li, who is believed to be in China now, Iowa City police say. Shao had been in Iowa City during the weekend of Sept. 6 through 8. The car containing Shao’s body was found at Dolphin Lake Point Enclave in Iowa City, the same place where Li lived.

Both local and international students, along with Iowa State faculty and Ames residents, attended the memorial. 

One ISU student, who asked to remain anonymous because he said the death of his friend was a very private topic, said he considered Shao one of his closest friends.

He said he last saw Shao the first week of the semester when they had dinner together, and that he is still in disbelief. 

“In the beginning, I thought she was very busy because the semester had just begun,” he said. “I never realized she was missing.”

He said when he first found out, he was shocked.

“I didn’t believe it until the police confirmed it in the paper,” he said.

He had only met Xiangnan Li, the main person of interest, once, but he said Shao went to Iowa City almost every week to see Li.

“They were very close,” he said. “I think (Li) was not her boyfriend; she has a boyfriend in China. I think he was a person of interest. I know there was some conflict between them. It was normal conflict.”

James Dorsett, director of international students and scholars at Iowa State, delivered the eulogy at the service. He described Shao as “kind, friendly and eager to learn.”

“Tong was brave because she left her home country to travel thousands of miles to study in another country, another culture and another language,” Dorsett said. “That takes courage.”

Dorsett said the last time Shao was in the International Students and Scholars office was to get work permission papers for her summer internship at Dippin’ Dots.

At their meeting, Shao’s adviser promised her he would try Dippin’ Dots ice cream for the first time. He still has not tried it.

“I tell myself that every time I go to the mall,” Dorsett said, speaking on behalf of Shao’s adviser. “And one day, perhaps when I have the courage to face my emotions, I will try the ice cream and keep my promise to her.”

But the problem is more than a promise made to Shao, Dorsett said.

Dorsett said he tells the international students during orientation they are now part of a larger family: a Cyclone family. As members of that family, it is important to act like a family and keep in touch with each other so that no one disappears for long periods of time without checking in with someone, he said.

“In this particular instance, it’s so tragic because nobody knew where she was, nobody knew what happened to her,” Dorsett said.

Dorsett said he spoke with Dr. Tom Hill, vice president of student affairs, about how students need to check in more often with friends.

On behalf of the international students, Wang said how each one of them can feel alone when they are by themselves in another country.

“Most of the Chinese families only have one child,” Wang said. “I am the one child, too, in my family. When my parents heard about (Shao), they cried.”

During the memorial service, close friends of Shao and her family shared their favorite memories of her. Members of the crowd placed flowers and candles around a picture of Shao. People could also write messages to send back to her family in China.

Seeing all the emotion for students and the rest of the community was hard for Dorsett.

“(International students) go through so much stress and work to get here,” Dorsett said. “Our job at the university is to help them be successful and go on and do great things. When people are stopped in the middle of that, it’s a very big loss to the world, to their family.”

Dorsett said it is hard for international students to break out of their country group. He knows through personal experience how international students are timid and don’t always speak up in class. However, this is a learning lesson, he said.

“Americans, if they deal with someone who’s not speaking well, they equate that to someone who’s not smart,” Dorsett said. “They don’t want to reach out to international students. It’s so easy for us to get wrapped up in our lives. We need to always remember. We have to help them so that they don’t have things like this happen to them.”

In the next week, Dorsett wants to pull together police, Student Counseling Services, the Department of Residence and the International Students and Scholars Office and have meetings about how they can learn from this tragedy.

“If you didn’t know Tong, think about the times you decided that you were too busy, too tired or just not in the mood to make the effort to get to know someone sitting beside you in class or next to you on the bus,” Dorsett said.

He encourages people to reach out and make a connection with others in even the smallest ways and to remember Tong during these opportunities.

“We may have missed the chance to make a great friend or to provide the least little bit of help or encouragement that could have made an impact on someone’s life and helped them when they really needed it,” Dorsett said. “If you knew Tong, treasure your memories of her and share them with others. If you’ve never had it, try Dippin’ Dots ice cream and remember Tong.”