I have very bad news for you, my fellow students. The ISU Alumni Association is trying to kill you. It’s a clever plot, but I will now unmask it for all to see: the Cytennial homecoming buttons were designed to kill you.

The Association has promised you a free meal: just flash your cute Cytennial button at the big tent between Curtiss and Beardshear, and they’ll give you lunch. I have discovered this is not the case, however, based on my observation of what they are offering as “lunch.” On Monday, they served a collection of carbs, a layer of lettuce, a splash of salsa, and some dainty frozen dairy. On Tuesday, they served some measly macaroni and a calorie-filled cookie (and they ran out of cookies early, so Tuesday was mostly macaroni).

After careful, well-planned research (read: Google search), I concluded four things about these so-called meals. 1. Iceberg lettuce is not a vegetable. 2. According to the U.S. government, macaroni does not count for all five food groups. 3. Students have more success in school when they eat real food (and the aforementioned “lunches” don’t count as real). 4. The amount of calories served at each of these purported meals is about half of what it takes to sustain a full-grown, physically active male college student through his afternoon classes.

My final conclusion from my research is that the ISU Alumni Association is using the buttons as a ruse in order to trick unsuspecting students into making poor eating choices. These poor choices will slowly snowball throughout student’s time at Iowa State, until eventually they die of malnutrition.

Please, fellow students, I beg of you: do not go and purchase these pernicious buttons! They will lead only to your demise! Instead, bring your own lunch to school, or continue to use your ISU Dining meal plan.

What’s that you say? You just want the button for its collector’s value? Because it has a cute picture of Cy on it and says, “Cytennial?” Well, I would prefer you not support the nefarious institution that created these buttons, but if you must, I guess you can. But watch out for that pin on the back. It’s sharp. And we all know what happened to Sleeping Beauty when she tried to put on a Cytennial button: she was cursed, and had to sleep until the next Cytennial — which turned out to be really boring because all the students were dead, killed by poor lunch choices.