Bruce Willis may be one of the greatest hero cops in the history of cinema, but even he couldn’t save “Surrogates.”

Where to start? Let’s see, how about the story?

A man invents a computer system that scans brainwaves, sending messages to a robot in order to let disabled people live out normal lives. As technology for this advances, the robots go from looking less like robots to appearing as people. Eventually the public goes for these and individuals live their lives through false personas while they are at home hooked into their computer for hours.

Aren’t we almost doing this now?

People can’t be hurt, so crime basically disappears — then a murder happens.

From there Willis has to find a way to save the day without using his robot body. Notice the lack of excitement in that description — it’s the same way in the movie.

It moves slowly and without any real surprise.

Next we get to characters and dialogue.

Everyone’s surrogate is beautiful and perfect, tanned and toned; while at home the humans are old, fat and decrepit. The people are hollow, much like the surrogates they live through.

Perhaps this was the point, but I doubt it. People are thrown in and then used for development that doesn’t happen, then go away.

Dialogue, don’t even try — there is nothing witty, nothing quotable. There aren’t even robot puns.

Finally, we get to the crux of all science fiction — cool effects, trippy scenery and costumes.

Nope. Nada. There are more effects in “Smallville” episodes.

The scenery is just normal cities, there aren’t even flying cars. Costumes look more like a GQ shoot than a future setting where people are supposedly able to live without worry.

And the surrogates themselves are like spiffed up corpses at a mortuary.

Where the hell did the budget go when they made this movie? If I were told all the money was spent getting high enough to think this film was a good idea, I’d believe it.

Basically, the movie offers next to nothing — not even violence or nudity.

It’s as if the message is: We (people today) are robots living empty lives when we are solely reliant on technology. This is a fine message, to be sure, but turning it into a movie — what a waste. I was so annoyed by this film I can’t even bring myself to be funny and insulting about it.

I would like to have sent a surrogate to watch this for me, but then I don’t even think an unfeeling robot deserves this experience.

If you want an amazing movie involving robots, violence, plot, nudity and effects, go rent the director’s cut of “Blade Runner” — not even “Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen” had robots this lame.

—Gabriel Stoffa is a senior in communication studies and political science