Ladies and gentlemen, do you want America to be a safe country for its citizens?

Hmm, I sure do.

Are you worried about the level of protection American citizens receive from the government?

I can’t say that I feel unsafe — at least, I feel about as safe as I can in this day and age. That feeling would lead me to believe that the government is doing a decent job of protecting its citizens.

But thanks to Glenn Beck’s Fox News Channel show, I now know that this belief is wrong. Luckily for me, Glenn Beck’s guests can tell me just how much the government sucks at protecting America — and then offer brilliant solutions to this problem.

One such guest is former CIA employee Michael Scheuer. He appeared on “Glenn Beck” on July 1 to discuss border security, but after a few minutes discussing that issue — including an Obama/Osama slip-up from Beck — the conversation turned to the American government’s lack of interest in protecting … America.

Huh?

According to Scheuer, “Our government elite does not care about the future of American society or our country.”

Right, OK. So what does Mr. Scheuer propose as a solution to this perilous perceived apathy?

He thinks that in order to keep America safe — in order to make the government want to protect its people — the United States needs to be the victim of another terrorist attack.

Yes, you read that correctly. Scheuer is advocating the slaughter of American citizens, executed by none other than Osama bin Laden. Maybe we should have a sign-up list for those in favor of this plan to volunteer themselves. If they believe a terrorist attack on America would make the country safer, can’t a bunch of them just get together somewhere and wave a sign in the air — something like “Hey, Osama, strike here!”

Do you think Scheuer would put his name on the list?

He does sound pretty serious about the whole thing. Here’s his proposal in his own words.

“The only chance we have as a country right now is for Osama bin Laden to deploy and detonate a major weapon in the United States … Only Osama can execute an attack, which will force Americans to demand that their government protect them effectively, consistently and with as much violence as necessary.”

Now, I would expect that, upon hearing such remarks, a great American patriot like Glenn Beck would be outraged. For an American to suggest that America could use a good terrorist attack — why, that’s practically treason! I mean, Scheuer actually said America’s only chance lies with Osama bin Laden!

You remember bin Laden, right? He was responsible for the deaths of 2,975 Americans the last time the United States suffered a terrorist attack, way back in September of 2001.

But Glenn, that sneaky scoundrel — he threw me for a loop on this one. Could it be that Glenn Beck is changing his stripes? Throughout Scheuer’s entire pitch, Beck solemnly bobbed his head in agreement.

And then he threw in this kicker: “I was thinking this weekend. If I were him, that would be the last thing I would do right now.”

Wait a second … I think I see what’s going on here. Glenn Beck is trying to Jedi mind-trick Osama bin Laden! If he says on TV that if he were Osama bin Laden, the last thing he would do would be to attack the United States because it would actually be a good thing for Americans, then when Osama bin Laden hears that, he’ll decide not to attack America, therefore keeping America safe.

But wait… That’s not right. Glenn Beck and Michael Scheuer want bin Laden to attack America, because that’s supposed to make America safer. So maybe he’s saying that to make bin Laden think that he shouldn’t attack America, knowing that bin Laden will see through the trick and proceed to attack, because —

Oh, wow. That’s making my head spin.

How about this?

Maybe, just maybe, Glenn Beck is promoting Scheuer’s idea because of his own personal agenda, not because he’s concerned about America’s safety.

On the Sept. 9, 2005 broadcast of his radio show, “The Glenn Beck Program,” Beck discussed his hatred of Hurricane Katrina survivors in New Orleans, calling them “scumbags.” This hatred surprised him because, as he said, “I didn’t think I could hate victims faster than the 9-11 victims.”

Yes, Glenn Beck hates the Sept. 11 victims. In his words, “It took me about a year to start hating the Sept. 11 victims’ families … I’m so sick of them, because they’re always complaining.”

So in 2002, Beck channeled his hatred toward 9-11 victims’ families. Three years later, he redirected his hatred toward the New Orleans Hurricane Katrina victims.

Four years after that, he’s advocating the bin Laden-induced bloodshed of American citizens in the interest of teaching the government a lesson about protection. Could it be that Beck just needs a new class of victims to hate?

Whatever the case, calling for a terrorist attack for the good of the country is far from patriotic. It’s just despicable.

– Jessie Opoien is a senior in pre-journalism and mass communication from Alta.