OPOIEN: Sexual healing really works, just be mindful of the laws

Photo Illustration: Rashah McChesney/Iowa State Daily


Photo Illustration: Rashah McChesney/Iowa State Daily

Jessica Opoien

It’s a sultry spring evening, and I’m finally home after a long day of classes and an even longer night at work. It’s a very special time of year — finals week — and I’m about to settle in for a cozy night with my laptop, textbooks and notebooks. I think most of you can relate.

But the dreary nights of studying and writing papers aren’t the worst part of Finals Season. The sleepless nights, the caffeine overload, the greasy late-night delivery food, the worry that you won’t get it all done — well, it starts to take a toll. I know my body is in the depths of unhealthiness — my head has been screaming at me to slow down in the form of migraines and tension headaches.

So how can you alleviate some of this stress, and the fatigue and headaches that come with it?

In the immortal words of Missy Elliott, “Get Ur Freak On.”

Yes, Marvin Gaye was onto something. Apparently there is such a thing as “Sexual Healing.”

Stressed out? Try a roll in the hay. A study published by Scottish researchers in the journal Biological Psychology reports that sex results in lower blood pressure and overall stress reduction.

Lying awake at night worrying about your exams? I suggest you engage in a bit of hanky panky. The oxytocin hormone released during sex promotes sleep. It turns out makin’ whoopie makes for a good night’s sleep, which is important. According to the CDC, “Young adults who do not get enough sleep are at risk for… poor grades and school performance.”

Headaches getting you down? You guessed it — time to get busy. And by get busy, I mean … have sex. Remember our friend oxytocin? Well, as oxytocin surges within your body, endorphins increase — and pain decreases. Several studies have shown that sex can even help with migraines. 

Worried about the swine flu? The stress you’re putting your body under certainly isn’t helping in the fight against H1N1. But I bet you’ve caught on now. Yes, sex can even help strengthen your immune system: According to WebMD, “Having sex once or twice a week has been linked with higher levels of an antibody called immunoglobulin A or IgA, which can protect you from getting colds and other infections.”

But speaking of swine… Well, I can only hope your mind didn’t link squealing pigs to squeals of a naughtier variety. However, if you’re into that, I suggest you take a summer vacation to the state of Washington.

Sex with animals is legal, as long as the animal weighs less than 40 pounds. Or you could check out Utah, where the restrictions are a little more lax: animal sex is legal with no weight requirement, as long as you’re not getting paid for it. Disturbed? Don’t think about it too much.

For those of you from the Land of 10,000 Lakes, you should know that it is illegal for a man to have sex with a live fish in Minnesota. I don’t know what that means for the ladies — or for dead fish.

But let’s move away from bestiality. Even Ames has its own weird sex law: after lovemaking, a husband isn’t allowed to take more than three gulps of beer while lying in bed with his wife.

If you’re the shy type, you can go to Romboch, Va., where it’s illegal to engage in sexual activity with the lights on. But where’s the fun in that?

If you haven’t cashed in your V-card yet, Washington is not the place to do it. Your partner might be arrested, because sex with a virgin is illegal. I guess that explains those animal laws…

Looking for a challenge? In California, it’s illegal for either partner to reach climax before the other during foreplay. I can just imagine the police at the door: “So, which one of you…?”

If you’d like to keep things a little more low-key, I suggest you go to Washington D.C., where missionary is the only legal sex position. No reverse cowgirl in our nation’s capital, kiddos.

A personal favorite comes from my home state: In Connersville, Wis., it is illegal for a man to fire his gun when his lover orgasms. Umm… yeah. That joke pretty much sets itself up.

And perhaps the most important sex law in the U.S.: In Bakersfield, Cali., if you’re going to have sex with the Prince of Darkness himself — that’s Satan, not Ozzy — you absolutely must use a condom.

On that note, I’d like to wish you all a stress-free finals week, and a wonderful summer. And if you decide to engage in a little sexual stress relief, whether with a significant other or with Satan, please be safe. Condoms aren’t just for devil sex.

 — Jessica Opoien is a freshman in pre-journalism and mass communication from Marinette, Wis.