Satire: Man of SALT plans next 6 months of relationship with woman seen across the room



SALT man gets ready to commit his life to a new passion, a woman.

Caden Washburn

She is perfect in every way. The way her shape is humanly and her hair the color of charcoal black, or brown, maybe red? Honestly, I can’t say for sure because she was on the opposite side of the auditorium, and I only noticed her because she sneezed louder than the pastor was preaching. Winning the affection of the most beautiful creature I have ever seen walk the Earth will be no small feat.


Luckily, I have been preparing for this day. The book I got from my 20-year-old married friend about being young and single has helped me build the perfect five-month plan for just this exact scenario. 


Month 1 – Break up with current girlfriend

My girlfriend goes to church every week, is active in her church’s groups, and even attends Thursday night liturgy. Sadly, she’s Catholic and does not seem open to joining the SALT organization. The last 5 years of our lives have been very memorable, but it’s time for us to move on. A text message should do.


Month 2 – Stalk on Instagram

Seconds into perusing through the last eight years of the woman of my dreams’ life, I know that we were meant to be together forever. Half of her posts from the past year have to do with BLDR shirt giveaways and the rest are multiple paragraph snippets from the Bible. Her Instagram is great, but before moving onto the next step I always make sure to cyber stalk on at least two other online social media platforms. My preferred choices are Facebook and LinkedIn.


Month 3 – Talk to her friends

To win over a woman of this caliber, you also have to win over her friends. Also, at this point I am still too scared to look at the woman of my dreams for more than 30 seconds. Through my strenuous online research, I know exactly who her best friends are and can begin to ask them on dates. These dates are purely for data gathering so I always ghost each of the friends after each date to show that I am only interested in their friend.


Month 4 – Say hi to her

Pretty self explanatory here, however, hours of preparation should go into this interaction. I have a set routine that I adapted from my favorite bachelor movie American Psycho to prepare my body to its peak potential. I also use Extra Spearmint gum because I like the taste.


Month 5 – Date for thirty days, get married

If everything goes to plan, the whole shebang should be locked up before the new year comes to be. Thirty days should be sufficient time to fully understand the major implications of getting married young and the vast difference between hanging out with someone and living with them. Also, this is a great opportunity to finally spend that extra $50,000 you have lying around!


Bonus month 6  – Get pregnant

God willing 🙂