COLUMN:What a long, strange trip it’s been

Tim Paluch

It’s that time of the year again, folks. Finals are just a few days away – thanks to GSB, who somehow managed to make it a federal offense for professors to schedule them during Dead Week (or, as it is now referred to as, “We tell you how to do your job” week).

Finals week and the week leading up to finals week are hectic times. The worst are those late-night cram sessions. I know I’m not the only one struggling to fit in Welch Ave., Paddy’s and Mickey’s all in one night. Thankfully, “We tell you how to do your job” week has given me plenty of time to fit all three bars in one night.

Thank you, Andy Tofilon.

I regret to inform you all – although most of you probably don’t mind – that this is the last time a column by Tim Paluch will appear in the Daily. No, I’m not graduating; I’m still on the little-used and very expensive eight-year plan. I am however, moving on to bigger and better things. Foodservice, here I come.

So, for the last column, I could do one of those clich‚ “Here’s what I learned” last column, but I won’t. Mainly because I didn’t really learn anything. I will, however, like to thank the Daily for looking past the fabrications on my extensive resume (I misspelled “Poolitser Prise”) and hiring me.

For those of you expecting one of my usual columns – of which topics range from discussions on the impact of NAFTA on Latin American economies to personal diatribes on the validity of existentialism in modern philosophical thinking – stop reading here, since you usually don’t get this far anyway.

So, with the little space I have left, allow me to give out a few end-of-the-year grades.

Gregory Geoffroy: Inc.

President Geoffroy came to campus in the midst of debilitating budget woes, not an easy task for a position usually reserved for Sharon-like dictators like Martin “We tell you how to do your job” Jischke. And yet, ask anyone their opinion of Double G and it’s a consensus – “He’s so cute.”

Geoffroy is like the Aaron Carter of university administrators. Onlookers get lost in Geoffroy’s eyes. Those dreamy, boyish eyes.

Take a closer look at him, and it’s fairly obvious, however, that he hasn’t really accomplished all that much. Which isn’t a knock on him, considering it’s his first year and the climate wasn’t ripe to make a big impact. The real test will be the next few years, when the budget woes continue and people get used to his ravishing good looks and those cute little glasses.

Cael Sanderson: D-

Mr. Sanderson, who do you think you are? 159-0? 159-0? That’s child’s play, compared to the 219-0 record I currently have on the Fox Kids Network’s online chess room.

And yet, who gets all the publicity? Who gets their own Wheaties box? Who gets a job with the wrestling team? Who’s signing autographs for senators and shaking hands with President Bush? Cael. Cael, Cael, Cael. If you ask me, we’re going a little overboard with this whole wrestling thing. Cael, take on Hogan in a “hell in a cell” match on Monday Night Raw and your grade will improve.

Government of the Student Body: G

To be honest, an “F” just isn’t low enough. Thanks for the $400,000 Porta Potty. Thanks for the parking plan. Thanks for those countless resolutions that aren’t worth the paper your bylaws are printed on. Thanks for the comma/semicolon debates. Thanks for that unwavering drive to go on, despite the fact that we all know there’s really no need for you all to do so. But above all, thanks for that contract. Heh, heh, heh


Take notes, GSB. This is a student government that is for real. Sure, most of the time they debate useless issues they have no possible impact on. But every once in a while – like the Veishea rules compromise – things will get done.

And next year looks even better with Keith Twombley at the helm. Twombley is my new favorite elected official. Despite attempts to unnecessarily smear him by pointing out what’s on his personal Web site, the man’s held his own. An ISU student government official with a personality? Imagine that. I didn’t know they made those anymore.

Way to go, Keith. Objectifying women’s belly buttons – gasp – is wrong; but taking yourself too seriously is far worse.

Iowa legislature: F

Good God, people. I mean, I know we’re just gonna leave the state when we get our degrees and all, but cut us some slack. At the current rate, in 25 years, tuition will be $900 trillion a year. And that’s in-state.

Tim Paluch is a junior in journalism and mass communication from Orland Park, Ill. He is opinion editor of the Daily.