I was always scared to death of Santa Claus. I just couldn’t understand why he was so loved and cherished. I never could comprehend the whole “take your child to the mall and make him or her sit on some old, fat stranger’s lap professing what they want for Christmas” tradition. I mean, if this Claus fella’s all he’s cracked up to be, he should already know what I want for Christmas, right? It just didn’t add up.

And have you ever heard the Christmas carol, “Santa Claus is Coming to Town?” This is not a song full of yuletide cheer. It is the most frightening song ever written, one whose sole purpose is to instill fear into legions of children with overactive imaginations. Don’t believe me? Replace “Santa Claus” with “A child molester” or “Serial rapist” in the song. It’s downright frightening.

“He sees you when you’re sleeping; He knows when you’re awake; He knows if you’ve been bad or good; so be good for goodness sake . A child molester is coming to town.”

He’s like a Keyser Soze for the holidays.

Giving the man the benefit of the doubt, Santa Claus is no child molester. And chances are, he’s not a serial rapist, either. You can argue that he’s anti-Semitic, maybe. (After all, it’s rare to see a Game Boy Color under the menorah come Hanukkah morn’.)

But Santa Claus is actually something much worse than a rapist or child molester or even an anti-Semite. In fact, he’s nearly indistinguishable from the most evil and notorious of criminals and villains – the old, rich, white corporate CEO.

The corporate CEO cares not for human rights, employing slave labor in foreign countries (China, Mexico) with slack labor laws. Little people (children) work unfair hours for unfair pay manufacturing cheap electronics.

Santa Claus cares not for human rights, employing slave labor in foreign regions (North Pole) with slack labor laws. Little people (elves) work unfair hours for unfair pay manufacturing cheap plastic toys.

The corporate CEO’s profits stay at the top of the company food chain. While workers slave away in Chinese sweatshops, the corporate CEO enjoys his lavish lifestyle – expensive suits and fancy cars.

Santa Claus’ profits see no one but Santa himself. While the elves slave away in North Pole sweatshops, Santa enjoys his lavish lifestyle – two-color wool suits and top-of-the-line sleighs.

The corporate CEO does not stay faithful to his wife. He’s a frequent visitor at strip clubs, and has various concubines and mistresses.

Santa Claus does not stay faithful to his wife. Just so happens I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus. Underneath the mistletoe last night, as a matter of fact.

The corporate CEO has no respect for the environment or animal rights. He’ll bulldoze a forest or pollute a lake if it means a better profit at the end of the day. And animals? They’re just another pawn of the CEO, used to test products on. Not sure if that bleach or detergent is toxic? Pour it down that cat’s throat and see how it reacts.

Santa Claus has no respect for the environment or animal rights. He’ll encourage the destruction of firs and pines if it means more cookies and milk at the end of the day. And animals? They’re just another pawn of Santa, used to deliver his merchandise. Not sure if flying reindeer can carry 10,000 times their own weight? I think the real question is, “Are reindeer even supposed to fly?”

The myth of the jolly ol’ St. Nick is a false one. He’s not jolly, he’s just got a good public relations department. He’s actually guilty of countless atrocities, promoting consumerism, obesity and adultery, all the while doing whatever necessary to maximize profits.

Plus, apparently he’s making it with my mom.

That bastard.

Tim Paluch is a junior in journalism and mass communication from Orland Park, Ill. He is opinion editor of the Daily.