An American idiot in Europe

Tim Paluch

I had no idea Dubya was so green. Yet, there he was Monday on the White House lawn showcasing his newfound environmental passions.

“I am today committing the United States of America to work within the United Nations framework and elsewhere to develop, with our friends and allies and nations throughout the world, an effective and science-based response to the issue of global warming,” he told reporters.

Has Dubya seen the light? Or should I say has he felt the heat?

Has he finally realized global warming is more than a tree-hugging, hippie, liberal socialist ploy to demonize capitalism? Unfortunately not.

The real reason Dubya seemed to change face on global warming may have something to do with his current outing to Europe, or as he calls it, them pink, yellow and blue spaces on the Earth map. This is his first ever meeting with those tree-hugging, hippie, liberal socialists who demonize capitalism.

You see, those pesky Europeans aren’t too hip on some of Dubya’s recent actions, mainly his plans to further destroy the environment, having the state kill one of its own citizens and his plan to have another go at the nuclear arms race.

Tell me again why they don’t like us Americans?

Dubya’s administration has had to pull a public relations 180 after a recent National Academy of Sciences study, commissioned by Dubya himself, confirmed what everyone but the White House has known for years – that it’s gettin’ damn hot out there. Global warming is for real.

Even skeptics in the study came to the agreement that something drastic needs to be done to curb accelerating global warming problems.

So Dubya, never one to upset his people , has announced his plans for “100 percent effort” from the United States and the rest of the world to curb greenhouse gas emissions. He’s been forced to revise some of his earlier anti-global warming statements, such as “oil good” and “actually, I think it’s quite cold outside.”

This from the man who abandoned a campaign pledge to reduce carbon dioxide emissions from power plants, created an energy plan only an oilman could love and scrapped the Kyoto Protocol treaty, which would do just what he says he wants.

One of his arguments against the “unrealistic” Kyoto treaty is that some nations, including China and India, are currently exempt from its regulations.

And they call Democrats cry- babies. I used to try to get away with that same argument with my parents, but I still had to go to bed before my older sister.

The only problem with Dubya’s “change of heart” is that it’s not really there and the Europeans will see past his charm offensives.

While an uninspired and unintelligent American public will fall to its knees whenever Dubya smirks and mumbles something about “trusting the people, not the government,” Europeans are sharp enough to realize photo-ops at the Everglades and Sequoia National Park hardly constitute a serious effort to help the environment.

I don’t know if it’s the water or the health care or the lack of firearms, but something is giving those folks the edge when it comes to common sense and rational problem solving skills.

Dubya is in favor of voluntary emission standards, where polluting industries decided themselves what a “fair” emission output would be. This went over well with his oil buddies as governor of Texas, during which time Houston became No. 1 in air pollution and Texas became No. 1 in smog-induced party switches.

European leaders know the only way for America to do its part to stop the global warming problem is to scrap the entire energy plan, which burns more coal and rapes and pillages the Arctic so we can burn more oil.

Just listen to some of the quotes by high-ranking anti-global warming advocates on the issue.

White House Chief of Staff Andrew Card – “I think [Europeans] have been driven by emotion rather than by science.”

Sen. Chuck Hagel, R-Nebraska – “He has set aside the charade of Kyoto and he is saying we can do it in a better way.”

Tim Paluch, Daily opinion editor – “Dubya is an idiot.”

OK, not sure how that last one got in there, but nonetheless, I can’t figure out where the administration is getting these scientists who claim to deny the existence of global warming. Maybe they’re from the same school as that rebellious fifth dentist from toothpaste commercials.

Every study not funded by the energy industry has found that global warming is real and is human-induced. Yet Dubya says we need more studies, more research, more money wasted.

The Europeans won’t buy his “charming toddler” image; they learned not to do that from Reagan.

A side note – it just wouldn’t be a Dubya visit without some grammatical errors either.

Now if you were Dubya, what would be the first thing you’d do after stepping off the plane to meet the prime minister of Spain?

Explain how delighted you are to be there?

Compliment his tie/shoes color coordination?

Nope, as you probably guessed, he mispronounced his name and then made a fool of himself trying to speak Spanish to the onlookers.

And the man wasn’t even from Belarus or Khazakstan; he’s Spanish.

Aznar, not Anzar. Just spell it out Dubya. Let me help.

Es muy stupido.

Tim Paluch is a junior in journalism and mass communication from Orland Park, Ill. He is opinion editor of the Daily.