Bush is role model as new opinion editor

Tim Paluch

After several weeks of counting and recounting votes, it has become clear that I edged out the competition and have been named the next opinion editor of the Daily. A little nervous about the daunting task ahead, I felt I needed some guidance and advice from the only man who can get me started off in the right direction.

That’s right, I sat down with Dubya to get some helpful tidbits and discuss his first 100 days in office. We laughed, we cried, we shared animal crackers.

Me: “Have a seat, Dubya. Glass of water?”

Dubya: “Tap or bottled?”

Me: “Does it make a difference?”

Dubya: “Hell yeah, it makes a difference – I don’t want cancer. Give me a bottle of Evian.”

Me: “Dubya, how would you sum up the first 100 days of your presidency?”

Dubya: “I’d say pretty darn good.”

Me: “Not everyone agrees with you on that one. Most people on the left claim you have abandoned the moderate rhetoric of your campaign and aligned yourself with the extreme right and big business. To put it quite frankly, the general perception of most people is that you are a giant jackass hiding behind his advisors while moving the country back to the Cold-War era. How would you respond?”

Dubya: “I’d say pretty darn good.”

Me: “How about the China situation? Do you think you handled the ordeal effectively, apologizing first and then taking a harsher tone once the `hostages’ came home?”

Dubya: “Well, it is my opinion that those Chinesians always think they can talk tough and flex their muzzles.”

Me: “You mean muscles?”

Dubya: “Yeah, I’ve been working out, thanks for noticing.”

Me: “No, I … let’s just change the subject. What do you do in your free time, assuming you have any?”

Dubya: “Mostly cartoons, but I pray a lot too.”

Me: “Oh really? Have you found Jesus, Dubya?”

Dubya: “Yes, him and his family have been cutting my grass since he got laid off by GM and kicked off of welfare. Mucho bueno, that Jesus.”

Me: “Do you plan to make an effort to overturn abortion rights during your term?

Dubya: “Well, first of all, I expect more than one term.”

Me: (Laughing uncontrollably, bottled water spewing from nose.)

Dubya: “We need to protect those little babies.”

Me: “Fetuses?”

Dubya: “No, the little babies with the big eyes and webbed hands who live in their mommies’ tummies.”

Me: “Right… Anyway, as the next opinion editor of the Daily, I face a tough challenge of running the opinion section. Any advice?”

Dubya: “Well, just between you and me, the easiest way to govern something is to pawn the work off on your assistants.”

Me: “I don’t have any assistants.”

Dubya: “Well, it appears you have a problem on your hands, Mr. Paluch.”

Me: “Well, Dubya, thanks for taking the time to sit down with me this afternoon. I know how busy you are.”

Dubya: “Really, I’m not that busy.”

Me: (Under breath) “Jackass.”

So there you have it. After talking with Dubya and soaking up some of the leadership expertise that seemed to be permeating from our leader’s body, I feel like I can run the opinion section to the best of my ability. With Dubya as my model, what can go wrong?

Tim Paluch is a junior in journalism and mass communication from Orland Park, Ill.