Getting in the spirit of bipartisanship

Tim Paluch

There is a school of thought present in Washington that appears to be catching on. Liberals shaking hands with conservatives, Democrats and Republicans side by side; bipartisanship is on the comeback trail, and frankly, it makes me sick.

Personally, I am a big supporter of partisanship. The idea of Jesse Helms and Paul Wellstone ever writing legislation together scares me a little. I like the bickering, the fighting, the mud-slinging and the dirty tactics of two polarly opposite parties.

In fact, I don’t think Washington politicians are partisan enough. Taiwan’s legislature kicks each other’s asses. The British Parliament is a much more exciting governmental body than Congress. There is a weekly debate with the prime minister chock full of insults and witty smart-ass remarks. That I would watch. This formal, “let’s hold hands” attitude of the U.S. Congress doesn’t interest the common American.

When we have political parties controlled by the same interests and are compromising their ideologies for the benefit of bipartisanship, we start finding ourselves walking a fine line between democracy and dictatorship.

The more the two big parties move closer and closer to the center of the political spectrum, the more they become the same party.

Nevertheless, “working together” and “getting along” seem to be big right now, and as we all know, I am a big patriot who would do anything for the sake of my country.

So, in an attempt to better the direction of Washington politics, I have decided to offer my appreciation for the Republicratic Party’s efforts at bipartisanship by giving gifts to some of the party’s leaders as a good will measure.

The reverend Jesse Jackson is a man who has found himself under harsh criticism over his recent love child/tax fraud problems. Some reverend; I don’t think I’ve ever seen the man leading mass.

Freeing American hostages? Yeah, he did that. Cry racism whenever anything involving a black man happens? Saw him doing that, too. Leading mass? Never.

A reverend and an adulterer, now that’s a rare breed. I feel he’s gotten a bad rap, so I have decided to pool some money and buy Rev. Jesse a church. Why a church, you ask? That’s easy.

If Jesse has a church of his own, he wouldn’t have to go all over the country getting in trouble, sticking little Jesse where little Jesse doesn’t belong. He can stay at home and lead mass like every other reverend.

This way, he can write off whatever he wants, in the name of God. And no nosy little governmental body will come investigating.

Dubya also seems a bit tense recently. He had an easy couple of weeks to start off, but his tax plan is in for a struggle in the Senate. The honeymoon is over.

So what does every man need once the easy weekend love-fest is done and the spouse starts a-howling? Alcohol.

That’s right, I sent Dubya a bottle of Jack Daniels to get him started.

It won’t take long before Dubya starts drowning out his problems with whiskey and another round of youthful indiscretions.

The next leader who needs a little something to show my gratitude is Secretary of State Colin Powell.

Poor Colin’s stuck in that black body of his, and there is nothing he can do about it. The guy is whiter than I am, but he keeps getting thrown into that “minority” category. It’s gotta tick him off.

Thus, so Colin can relax and concentrate on those important issues, like building up the military to enhance the profits of his wealthy white friends, I have sent him Michael Jackson’s plastic surgeon.

If a world-famous black pop musician can achieve his lifelong dream of turning white, Powell can, too.

If Powell’s gonna take over for Cheney when he suffers the big one and heads off to that big oil rig in the sky, he’s gonna need to fit in. Lord knows we can’t have a minority in a position with that much power.

Two guys who are definitely in need of help are Tom Daschle and Dick Gephardt, the Democrat leaders of the Senate and the House.

These poor guys, supposedly the “liberals” of the bunch, are lying down and taking it on the chin from Dubya and the Republicans. They countered Dubya’s massive $1.6 trillion tax cut with a massive $900 billion plan of their own, forgetting the lack of funding for society’s many social ills.

They desperately need some confidence to stand up to those Republican bullies, so I sent them each some balls.

Daschle and Gephardt need to be proud to be liberals and prepared to fight for the people like they are supposed to. So, to increase their confidence, they need to start playing sports, and you can’t play sports without some balls. So, it’s balls for the Democrats.

Strom Thurmond is one guy who is getting up there in age. I personally like Strom a lot. In fact, we have a lot in common.

I am from Chicago, and he was there when the glaciers created Lake Michigan. This guy is older than cement.

So, what does a dying old Southerner need as he waits for his inevitable demise? Anna Nicole Smith.

There’s not much time left anyway – he might as well go out with a smile.

The Clintons are another bunch who keep getting bad raps from the media and the Republicans.

The Clinton clan, Bill, Hillary, Roger and Hugh Rodham, can’t seem to leave the spotlight of a scrutinous press.

Their only real crime is they have similar DNA. Put them together, it’s worse than the green room backstage at a Jerry Springer show.

So what does America’s favorite family need that they don’t already have? To start, a camper would be nice. Maybe a 30 pack of Old Style just for kicks.

That way, they can disappear down in Arkansas and procreate their way into an X-Files episode, without the media watching every move.

So, I think I have done my country a valuable service by reaching out to the people who I think need to be working together in order to benefit the country.

Putting aside my strong hatred toward bipartisanship, I have somehow managed to find a way to bring people together.

If only politicians in Washington could follow my lead.

Tim Paluch is a junior in journalism and mass communication from Orland Park, Ill. He is wire editor of the Daily.