Election 2000 Awards go to .

Tim Paluch

Despite the fact that the election is still painfully and agonizingly dragging on, and it appears the next leader of the free world will be determined in the lower courts of Florida, I think it is about time we handed out some trophies. That’s right, it is time to give props where they are due. I present to you the Election 2000 Awards.

The “Rookie of the Year” award goes to Hilary Rodham Clinton, a woman with no ties to the state she ran for senate in, a woman who is hated by nearly every man in the country, a woman who stuck by her corrupt and cheating president husband only to be looked down upon as much as he was, a woman caught up in several federal investigations for wrongdoings, a woman a federal judge called “less than truthful,” and a woman whose only political experience is a couple of failed education and health-care plans. The only reason she picked New York is because there are four million more democrats than republicans there. Nowhere else would she have a chance. And yet, she beat that buffoon Lazio by double digits. Hilary 2008, Hilary 2012, I wouldn’t put it past her.

The next award is for “Absolute Worst Politician” and it goes to, you guessed it, Rick Lazio. Kudos to the Republicans for finding the only person in America who could lose to Hilary. Lazio, a 40-year-old with the smarts of a nine-year-old, tried to run on a simple format, “I am not Hilary,” and he almost pulled it off. This is a man with a pretty decent record, a man with great popularity among his constituents, and a man with a striking similarity to Bert of Sesame Street fame. All he had to do was run an average campaign challenging Hilary’s past. Instead, he just sat there and smiled and let Hilary walk all over him. Tough break Lazio. Here’s a prediction: We will never hear his name again.

The “Let’s Hope We Never See You Again” award was too close to call, and rather than recounting, I am giving it to both Pat Buchanan and the Electoral College. What went wrong, Pat Buchanan? I, too, thought running on a simple platform of shoving Jesus down the throats of public school children, building a wall between Mexico and the United States and eliminating all environmental regulations would garner a bit more than 0.7 percent of the vote, but I guess we were wrong. What the hell did he do with that federal funding? I think he won the unpopular vote hands down. Pat, I think its time to go back to “Crossfire.”

As for the Electoral College, I think it’s about time we eliminate that ancient remnant from a time when the government didn’t trust the people. It should have been done away with long ago. And finally we might have a reason to throw it away, as it seems one candidate might win the popular vote and one the electoral vote.

The award for “Sorriest Bunch of Voters” is also too close to call, and again it will be given to both New York and Missouri voters.

New York elected Hilary. ‘Nuff said.

Missouri elected a dead guy — yes, a dead guy. Deceased Governor Mel Carnahan was trailing the incumbent John Ashcroft when he was killed in a plane crash a month before the election. It was decided that his widow would be appointed senator if he should win, and he did. That blows my mind. With nothing but a convenient last name for a record, the widow Carnahan heads to the senate. Sympathy voting is fine for the Academy Awards, but senatorial races are a different story.

The “Crybaby of the Year” award goes to Palm Beach County voters in Florida. If you are an elderly, liberal, Jewish voter and you vote for Buchanan and his fourth reich party, you deserve to get your vote thrown out. People make mistakes. It’s life. You vote twice, you don’t count. Those are the rules, and that is how it is. And these “confusing” butterfly ballots? One word, three syllables: Eyeglasses.

Next is the “Are You Serious?” award, and it goes to Gore campaign chief William Daley. Look up the word Daley in the political dictionary and it reads “corrupt, vote early and vote often. Rules need not apply.” And yet, he is crying foul and calling for fair and unbiased recounts.

The award for “Luckiest Sonuvabitch” goes to none other than Dubya himself. With that ungodly band-aid covering up the Garfield temporary tattoo he gave himself against daddy’s orders, Dubya called for a quick end to the conflict, saying he has to get his government ready. I still find it hard to believe that this brain-dead frat boy is going to be able to run this country. Oh wait, there’s Cheney and Colin Powell and the rest of Poppa Bush’s cabinet. Dubya doesn’t need to worry. But we do.

The award for “Biggest Loser” award goes unanimously to Al Gore. This is a man who was the most active vice-president in history under one of the most successful presidents, the most knowledgeable, successful and qualified candidate in the history of presidential elections, and he lost to Dubya. And he just won’t accept that people don’t like him. He is like the school kid who tries year after year to get on the student council, only to get just his own vote. And he won’t quit. Recount this, recount that. He wants to keep recounting until he comes out on top. Pathetic. He is a loser and should have conceded his embarrassing defeat last week. I hope he crawls into his lockbox and we never hear from him again.

The final award is the “Most Valuable Player” award and it goes to Ralph Nader. Sure, he didn’t get his 5 percent, mainly because of Gore’s scare tactics, but he set up the Green Party as a viable third-party watchdog party. And don’t blame Ralph for Al’s troubles. Gore failed to EARN enough votes to win the presidency. Period. As a voter for Ralph, I saw no reason to decide between two morons with nearly identical policies. So I voted for the only candidate with the same progressive principles as I have. Maybe now, the Democrats will pay attention to the left-wing base they abandoned.

And if this election continues to drag on and on and on, I know a certain someone in no rush to be the husband of a senator, who wouldn’t mind sticking around a couple more years.