Barring an unexpected nuclear holocaust or an unlikely tie, a new president has been elected. Chances are, that president didn’t capture a majority of the vote, chances are that that president is a rich, white guy with a Washington insider for a father, and chances are that president was born with a silver spoon lodged in his posterior and never worked an honest day in his life.

This being written well before the results were in, it is my expert opinion that one of two scenarios went down last night. Either way, don’t hold your breath anticipating big changes in Washington. Bitter partisanship is likely to increase, so expect another four years of finger-pointing blame games.

It’s Dubya by a hair! The electoral college squeaks to the right and the crown is justly bestowed to its rightful heir. Dubya’s post-victory speech is drowned out by the simultaneous blaring of Brooks and Dunn and a 250,000 gun salute by the NRA. Once the results are in, Dick Cheney confiscates Dubya’s keys and instructs Phil Gramm to “keep an eye on the kid. He hasn’t drank in 14 years, he’s got some catchin’ up to do.”

Polar bears in Alaska wonder if a little oil on their paws is all that bad. Everyone rushes to get their abortions before Dubya outlaws them. Hordes of 13-year-olds get pregnant JUST to have abortions while they can.

In one of the most incomprehensible victory speeches of all time, Dubya rotates between his “what me worry?” smirks and words that stump Webster himself. “We done did it. Its time to bring honortude and moralness back to the White House.” Dick Cheney and Colin Powell start to make preparations for running the country, delegating Dubya power equal to that of the Queen of England. A wave of relief runs through the Bush camp, excited to see him president, but deep down inside wondering if this was really the right guy for the job. A shrug of the shoulders and an “oh well, we’ll worry about that tomorrow,” and its back to the party.

Ralph Nader played a big part in the defeat, handing Washington and possibly Oregon to Dubya. He holds an unapologetic post-election rally, reminding the Democrats why they lost. They left progressives no choice. A choice between bad and worse leaves real progressive liberals with no place to go but to Ralph. Gore doesn’t just get the liberal votes, he has to earn them, something he obviously couldn’t do.

Its Gore by a nose! The scare tactics appeared to have paid off, as enough Nader backers jump into the open arms of the Democratic party. “A vote for Nader is a vote for Bush.” The tagline of the 2000 election. Its amazing how quickly the Democrats started caring about the liberal vote once the moderate voters realized there’s no difference between Gore and Dubya, might as well pick the guy you like.

An exhausted and sweat-ridden Gore gives his victory speech to a raucous crowd of supporters in Nashville, all waiting to hear his famous tagline “You ain’t seen nothing yet,” which oddly enough has suddenly changed to “Don’t expect much.” This man, who somehow got himself involved in a close election that should have been a Reagan-ish victory against an incompetent governor who can’t set the time on a watch, let alone a VCR, tells the crowd he knew it all along. If that’s the case, why avoid sleep for two and a half weeks to campaign in states Slick Willy won with ease?

And if Gore planted that “too-hot for TV” kiss on Tipper at the convention when nothing was at stake, imagine the scene when he wins the presidency.

Papers across the country run the headline, “President-elect Gore up Tipper’s shirt in Nashville.”

After toking it up with David Crosby, Gore follows in Clinton’s footsteps and smiles as he looks over his list of promises he made, laughing as he crosses them off. “Affordable health care, ha!” “Ending corporate welfare and fighting special interests, What was I thinking?”

Another four years of stability and mediocrity is what’s envisioned in Gore’s eyes, evidenced by his successful scare tactics dragging impassionate liberals back into the fold.

In his post-election speech, Nader tells the democrats there to beware, the watchdogs are out there, and they gave them quite a scare this time around.

Either way, let’s not be too enthusiastic about our next president. The embargoes on Cuba will continue, sanctions on Iraq will continue to kill 5,000 people who aren’t Saddam Hussein per month, $60 billion more will be spent on the “Star Wars” anti-missile program, and labor rights and environmental protections still won’t be brought into the arena when negotiating trade agreements.

Four more years! No more Gore! Both sound the same to me.