Welcome to the campaigning game

Tim Paluch

They charmed Oprah. They conquered Regis. They laughed with Leno and Letterman. And just recently, those two teeny-bop heartthrobs known to the rest of the world as the presidential candidates melted the hearts of America with their recent appearance on “The Dating Game,” trying to prove once and for all that personality and charm are the deciding factor for the lowest common denominator in all the land – the American voting public. This time the big guns weren’t alone.

Host: “Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to The Dating Game. Let’s meet our contestant. Suzy Q. Undecided is a 35-year-old middle-class single mom from Grand Rapids, Michigan. A self-described “bad girl,” she is looking for someone with a little spunk, who will keep his promises and veer a little from the norm.”

“And let’s meet the bachelors. Bachelor number one is an Ivy League pretty boy, born with a silver spoon who possesses an uncanny ability to alter his accents depending on who he is talking to. Meet George.”

George: “Hi Suzy, I am rich, I am the guvana of the large country of Texas, and the people there say I have “killer” instincts.”

Host: “Bachelor number two is the son of a senator. He is a patriot who carried a typewriter during the Vietnam war, and can alter his personality depending on who he is talking to. Meet Al.”

Al: “Hello Suzy. I am my own man. And I don’t mean to brag, but I am pretty sure that I am the smartest man on earth.”

Host: “Bachelor number three is far from a ladies man. He is a lifelong bachelor who, in his spare time, fights against oil companies and battles corporate America. Meet Ralph.”

Ralph: “Suzy, don’t give in to all the talk of bachelors one and two. They are just your typical bachelors. They won’t care about you once you pick them. All bachelors are the same. They only want one thing. They’ll forget about you in the morning.”

Host: “And finally we have bachelor number four, a journalist in the midst of a “cultural war” fending off the evil and sickness of such horrible things as minorities, and multiculturalism. A big fan of Hitler, meet Pat.”

Pat: “Suzy? That sounds Jewish. You aren’t Jewish, are you?”

Host: “OK Suzy, why don’t you ask your first question.”

Suzy: “Bachelor number one, if you had to pick a color to describe you, what color would it be?”

George: “Well, that’s kinda tough. My suit is blue, so I was gonna say that. But then I looked down and noticed mom dressed me in brown shoes and a red tie, so I’m kinda getting confused. I don’t think I can pick just one. Uh oh, lookie here. My socks don’t match.”

Suzy: “OK, bachelor number two, same question.”

Al: “Well, Suzy. That all depends. Which answer would you like best? Because that is the one that I would decide on. I am very flexible here.”

Suzy: “Bachelor number three?”

Ralph: “I think the importance of these colors are just another way for that horrible Crayola corporation to force consumers to buy products made in third world countries.”

Suzy: “OK, number four?”

Pat: “White. I am definitely all white. Couldn’t be whiter. And speaking of white, you sound a little Asian to me. You aren’t Asian are you?”

Suzy: “OK, bachelor number two. What would we do on our first date?”

Al: “Well, Suzy. I think that is up to you. I really have no preference to anything as long as you pick me. Chances are, I will completely change my mind on everything once you decide I am the better bachelor.”

Suzy: “Number four, same question.”

Pat: “First of all, I don’t date Mexicans. And I have figured you out, little missy. Someone check her visa.”

Suzy: “Number one?”

George: “Well, we’d grab a couple of happy meals. Dad says I am too big for the toy, but I say no way. Then we’d grab a couple of gas masks, take a walk through Houston, and maybe catch an execution or two before I invite you back to my place. Yeehaw!”

Suzy: “Bachelor number three?”

Ralph: “Well, we’d grab some recycled paper and a couple of non-toxic markers and make some signs. Then we’d go looking for the nearest Gap, and picket outside protesting their terrible workers’ rights violations.”

Suzy: “Last question. In ten words or less, describe why you are the better bachelor.”

George: “Well, hmmm, uh, can you repeat the question?”

Al: “Ten? I can do it in one: internet.”

Ralph: “I am not those two.”

Pat: “Dirty immigrant. Get out of my country.”

Host: “OK Suzy, the time has come to make your decision. Who is it going to be?”

Suzy: “Well, to be honest, I can’t seem to make up my mind. They all have their benefits, but I am just going to pass on all of them.”

Host: “Do you mean you are just not choosing any of them?”

Suzy: “Yea, I think I’ll just stay home.”

And thus, it appeared, to me at least, that ‘ol Suzy Q. Undecided thinks like a lot of people in America. This gimmick didn’t pay off, so stay tuned for the four- man battle royal this Monday night on Raw.