Gore vs. Bush: That’s debatable

Tim Paluch

I know we all watched the debates last night, or at least meant to. For those who missed the ultimate in “must-see T.V.,” it is my duty to fill you in on some of last night’s most vital and important highlights, ones that best represent the two candidates.

At one point in the debate, the moderator asked a tough question that had the candidates stumped.

Moderator: “This question is for both of the candidates. Those ever-important independent voters who haven’t decided who to vote for would like to know what the real differences between you two are.”

Gore: “I think the real difference between Governor Bush and I is that he is in fact a Republican, and I am currently a Democrat.”

Moderator: “That doesn’t really answer the question, I am talking about issues.”

Bush: “No, he is right. I am a Republican, and he is a Democrat.”

Another high-point of the debate was when Governor Bush was asked about the way the media has been portraying him.

Moderator: “Governor Bush, you have been criticized for what appears to be a lack of knowledge on certain subjects, as well as being portrayed as someone who can’t pronounce long words, claims of dyslexia have surfaced. How do you respond to such allegations?”

Bush: “I funny find it. I say let them say what they want. I know, and the American persons know that me stand for good, old-fashioned American values.”

Moderator: “And what kind of values would those be?”

Bush: ” Well, I would not sell secrets to the Chinesian government. The Clinton Administration has been far too lenient toward the Chinesians.”

Gore: “Did he say Chinesian?”

Moderator: “Let’s stick to the issues, Vice-president.”

Gore: “What a dumbass.”

Another interesting moment was when Vice-president Gore’s credibility was questioned.

Moderator: “Vice-president Gore, how do you respond to claims that you grossly exaggerate the truth in order to garner votes?”

Gore: “I don’t really know of any such claims.”

Moderator: “Well, there was the time you said you invented the Internet, the time you said `Love Story’ was based on you and Tipper, and the time you fabricated a story about your dog’s arthritis medicine.”

Gore: “In every one of those allegations I was misquoted and misunderstood. When we look at my real record, one that shows my contributions to America, people will agree that I am the more qualified candidate. Did Governor Bush invent the toaster oven? No, I did. Did Governor Bush invent helicopters and oscillating fans and turtlenecks? No, I believe I did.”

Moderator: “I am almost positive that you had no part in the invention of any of those Vice-President Gore. This is what I was talking about.”

Bush: “Turtles don’t have necks.”

Gore: “Again, the media is putting words in my mouth. I was misquoted.”

One poignant moment was when the question of excluding Ralph Nader and Pat Buchanan from the debates came up. At this point Gore and Bush bipartisanly exclaimed, “Oh yea!” and proceeded to high-five one another.

As the debate came to a close, the candidates were asked one final question.

Moderator: “This is for both of you. How will you, as president, help the inner-city poor, minority father who can’t afford health insurance, can’t support his children, and is forced to take up a third job?”

Bush: “As president, I promise that if that poor, inner-city man ever commits or is convicted of committing murder, he will face the consequences, and I will seek execution.”

Moderator: “Governor, that is not the answer I was looking for. Your health-insurance plan leaves over 40 million people without health insurance, and your tax-cut plan greatly benefits only the upper 10% of the population, leaving that poor man in the same situation he is in now.”

Bush: “Well, that is his fault. If he was to contribute to my campaign, then maybe I would give him a second look.”

Moderator: “O.K., vice president, same question.”

Gore: “Well, I know first-hand the plight of the poor, inner-city minority. When I was growing up as a poor African American on the streets of Detroit, I faced those hardships firsthand.”

Moderator: “Vice-president, are you trying to tell us that you grew up in Detroit? And that you are black?”

Gore: “Stop putting words in my mouth!”

Bush: “Detroit is not even a state.”

Gore: “I was misquoted.”

The debates were exactly what I had expected them to be. Important issues were tackled and strong, heated arguments ensued. There was no question the decision to leave out third-party candidates was the correct one. Nader and Buchanan would have been no match for these two political juggernauts.