Stop spoon-feeding Bush and Gore

Tim Paluch

We got a bit of a problem on our hands. The Middle East “conflict” is causing some major issues in the United States, and I am not talking about rising oil prices. Don’t the Israelis and Palestinians know that they are ruining Clinton’s legacy? How selfish can you be? It’s understandable to scuffle over a couple of miles of holy land, but did we have to do this at the end of Slick Willy’s term?

Clinton couldn’t get it done in Camp David, the poor guy just couldn’t pound out a peace deal with two nations that eternally despise one another. I don’t know about you, but I was surprised. The man couldn’t ease a religious war that goes far beyond our sharp suits and diplomatic powers? Absolutely shocking!

Lame duck presidents aren’t supposed to fail in anything, those are the rules. They are supposed to shake hands, kiss some babies, win the Nobel Peace Prize, exit the oval office and have a couple Coronas with the secret service before starting the book tour. This was not on the agenda.

Fortunately, the next great leader of the free world will come in prepared to take over the reigns. No really, it’s true, both are ready to tackle the issues and reform this country back to greatness.

Guess what I just found out? Both Gore and Bush are going to fight for working families! Well snap my bra and call me J. Edgar, that’s fantastic! Sounds like things are looking up for Joe Schmoe – the working man and his family.

Now if only both were in favor of providing affordable prescription medicine to senior citizens. They are? Both of them? This is too much. What’s next, both against child pornography? Unbelievable! No wonder it has taken people two years to decide who to vote for.

These two agree on everything, which is rare for a communist and a fascist, as they each would like you to believe about the other. It appears Al’s gonna fight for me. But wait, so is Dubya. Quite a dilemma. Looks like I am good either way. Why even vote?

This election is just one big commercial, sponsored by Wall Street and Big Oil. And these love-fest debates were no better. Ninety minutes of a puppeteer moderator lobbing softballs to these two guys. It was ridiculous.

“What are your opinions on racial profiling?!!!” What the hell kind of lame-ass question is that? Were we really expecting someone to say they favor it?

“Well, Jim, I think its great. I love it, can’t get enough of that good ol’ racial profiling. In fact, I am doing it right now.”

We shouldn’t be spoonfeeding them, we should be shoving the damn spoon down their throats. Ask Al when exactly he sold out his environmental morals to big business. Or ask Dubya how quick his knees hit the floor for his oil buddies.

But no, we get two minute answers and 30 second rebuttals filled with “fuzzy math” that makes “Dark Angel” look like “Citizen Kane.” Neither has answered a direct question since the election began. Stop confusing us dumb Americans with numbers and say something worth hearing for god’s sake. I don’t care what the polls say, neither is likable. They are indeed equally hate-able. Gore’s got an excuse, he’s a cyborg. What’s yours, Dubya?

I am getting sick and tired of hearing the same old, “tell them what they want to hear” rhetoric. These two don’t know what it is like to struggle to put food on the table. These two don’t know what it’s like to choose food or medicine. They have the same connection to the regular guy that Britney Spears has to a turtleneck. They ain’t going near it.

These two daddy’s boys are making a mockery of this great political system, and no matter what the pundits on television tell you, they aren’t all that different, and in fact they are quite disturbing.

No one really listens to what they are saying. Dubya continues to repeat his famous campaign slogan, “Leave no child behind.” Am I the only one who sees a problem with this? Where exactly does he plan on taking these children?

And Al and his lockbox. Lockbox this, lockbox that. He claims to be putting our Social Security and Medicare in this mysterious lockbox. I wanna know who exactly gets a key to this lockbox? Because unless the American workers do, its gonna be hard to get anything out of it.

These two claim to be inclusive and mainstream with the American public’s views. I think not.

Just because the Republicans paraded every single minority in the party on stage during the convention doesn’t mean they give a rat’s ass about them. And Al and Dubya aren’t anywhere near the mainstream. Their feet aren’t even wet.